100% Committed

Hello my name is Maria and I am morbidly obese.  I didn’t get this way overnight it happened gradually over 20 years. Even writing those words “morbidly obese” is liberating.

So why do I want to make changes now?

Because I can no longer “pretend” that I’m obese.

Let me take a moment to explain, recently my family and I went on a holiday to sunny Queensland, it was a long overdue holiday. As we were in the ‘theme park’ capital of Australia we went to Seaworld, Movieworld and Dream World.  At these places we all had a brilliant time. 

Until…. I was kindly asked to get off some of the roller coaster rides because they were unable to lock in the safety harness or bar. 

No matter how much I pushed or sucked my gut in, the harnesses would not lock.  To say I was embarrassed would be a universal understatement. I didn’t want to burst into tears in front of my child but I was close to making an absolute fool of myself.

To admit this embarrassment to myself is one thing but to admit it to the world is pushing myself right out of my comfort zone.

So here I am sitting down the day after the first time I was asked to get off a ride because I am too fat.  Embarrassed, shocked and sickened to see how bad I let myself go.  

I forgive myself

I forgive myself for the friendship with Ambarish, I knew at the start of it that it would not last long but I pushed and ended up hurting myself in the end.

I forgive myself for the state of my body.  Lying on the Osteopaths table I was ashamed at how I had disrespected myself. 

I forgive myself for my ego, for too many years I have lived in my mind instead of living as my true self.

I forgive myself for misusing “I am” and telling myself that I am (or have) PCOS, I am unworthy.

I forgive myself for sabotaging my relationships with my grieving nieces.

I forgive myself for not honouring the gift inside me.

Forgiveness does not happen in your head until it happens in your heart!

Mari – you are absolutely and unconditionally forgiven! 

Book / CD Review - Secrets of Manifesting (Wayne Dyer)

I recently listened to the 5 part CD collection of Secrets of Manifesting and these were the points I jotted down whilst on the train:

• If you really wish to accomplish something, you first have to expect if of yourself
• Pam McDonald – APOE Gene
• Friends are God’s way of apologising for our family
• Self-actualisers are independent of the good opinion of others
• When you are god, you don’t ask for things to happen you insist that they do
• I am god in action
• By simply saying “I am NOT”, “I can NOT”, “I have NOT”, you are knowingly or unknowingly throttling the great presence within you.
• You need to stop judging; once you forgive then your manifestations will work
• The power of awareness - book
• Use your imagination to help manifest and say to God today “I AM THAT”
• I AM GOD
• An intention without conviction is a waste of energy
• Conviction is another word for faith
• You can be a host to God or a hostage to your EGO.

The last point was the biggest take from this whole CD collection.  I am sure that if I were to listen to it again then I would get a whole different list.

Morning Pause

Picture this:

It is 6:55 on a cold autumn morning and you finally got the kids out of the house and you are rushing to drop them off, first at before school care and then kinder/child care.

The kids in the back of the care are bickering, whining and screeching. Your oldest child in the front in sighing and you can feel the tension radiating from him.  If that wasn’t enough to grate on your nerves, your ego mind is running a commentary “You are going to miss the train”, “Why can’t you leave the house on time?”, “Why is every morning the same rush?”, “What is wrong with you?”, “This is all your fault for dawdling and pulling Oracle cards and playing with your crystals instead of getting ready” and then finally “You are worthless”.

To add to all this stress for some reason there is a lot of traffic, so rushing and driving fast won’t help you today!

So here you are sitting in traffic, feeling really crap about yourself and your kids and grating on your nerves, and you can just feel the frustration and anger building.  You are trying to not lash out at the kids but you feel that the anger is just about to burst out of you. 

Then you notice the grass at the side of the road.

BANG!!!

The whole world stops, as you notice the small patch of frost on the grass.  So instead of yelling at the kids you say “Look at the grass, Jack frost was busy last night”.

Your outburst was meant with a pause of complete silence. 

Happy twittering and chattering occurs while the kids explore the beauty of your surroundings. You then notice the different coloured leaves on the trees, you look at the wondering autumn flowers blooming. 

This is what happened to me a week ago and since then our mornings are filled with wonder as we watch “the tress that look like they are on fire” change colour and enjoy pointing out to each other our other discoveries. This morning it was the fog from the lake down the road and seeing fog on a field of grass.

Do I miss the train?  Sometimes but I know that there will be another one soon.

Was I late? No

What I have learnt was to take a morning pause and enjoy the beautiful world that we live in, instead of worrying that I would miss this or be late for that.  As soon as my focus shifted away from where I was going and what time was going to get there, everything flowed. The traffic lifted, the kids were dropped off with little fuss.  I had a perfect car park at the station and as I got to the platform the train was pulling into the station.

So anytime you feel yourself getting frustrated and ready to burst, take a pause and look for something beautiful in that moment and it can be anything, a sticker on car, tree, and bird, anything that will give you that pause.

Crystal Alchemy

I attended my first natural therapy workshop on the weekend, which was all about Crystal Essences, I am only now able to really think and talk about what I experienced.

The setting was calm and intimate with only 3 of us in attendance and I was privileged to be welcomed into my Kinesiologist's (Daniela Grincevicius) home, such a beautiful environment. 

I learnt all about the different essences that you can purchase, these range from flower, bark, crystal essences to angel essences (Yes that is right Angel essences) just to name a few.  I am hooked, and I know that there will be much more purchased in the near future.

The best part of the day was making my own personal crystal essence with a specific intention.  My intention was to heal my hormone imbalance, specifically to heal PCOS. The fun that we had playing with all these crystals! Even now I am fighting back the tears of pure joy.

I picked every crystal that I wanted to cook in the super charged water and I set out my second ever crystal grid, with these lovely oracle cards!  At one point I was holding Ajoite and felt my eyes welling up.  The whole time I was working on my grid I was so emotional and spent a whole time fight back the tears.

Here is a photo of my work:

The last part of the cooking process was to use a sounding bowl, which I had never done.  I just couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and I cried the whole time.  The thought that was going through my mind was “Mari it is your time now, Mari it is time to heal now”, over and over.  Just an absolute powerful experience that I have goose bumps thinking about it!


I am deeply and profoundly blessed that the universe arranged itself that I would attend this wonderful workshop.

EDITED:

I published this post yesterday and it has not been sitting well with me because I have not been 100% honest and the whole point about my blogging is to face the truth, in order to let go and move on.

I didn’t post all the photos that I received from the workshop, so here is one that I wanted to talk about:

The main reason I didn’t post this was because I was ashamed and embarrassed, for the following reasons:

1. I was embarrassed that I cried in front of someone I met just that day.

2. I know exactly what I was thinking at the moment that photo was taken, “Please don’t cry” I was fighting back the tears at this point

3.OK this is a tough one – but the person in this photo is not me.  The real Mari is hiding under a massive amount of layers and I love the person inside.

I’m always shocked when I see myself in photo’s or catch a glimpse in a window as I am walking past because in my mind I do not look like this and I am taking steps within my life to change my own perception and finally show the world the real me!

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed with the response to my previous blog post. For me it was a natural thing to do, write about what I had learnt and heal as I do it. This is what my blogs are about; yes I have more than one.

I started my first blog after I found out that I had a common medical condition PCOS (poly-cyctic ovarian syndrome) as a means to tell the world about my struggle with falling pregnant.  At the time I was appalled that I had never heard about this condition before and it was common!

I am grateful for my struggle with infertility because it was something I had to go through in order to have my wonderful family. All my 3 kids were conceived with fertility treatments along with kinesiology healings.

Over the years that blog morphed into a celebration of my pregnancy with Jordan, my experiences of being a new Mum, my struggle with Post Natal Depression, my joy at conceiving Twins and then finally my spiritual journey.  It was only recently that I split the two blogs one relating to family and the other relating to my journey.

I keep the blog posts as a reminder of what I go through, because once the words are out of me, written and posted then it is all forgotten. I’ve had these blogs for 10 years it is my way of healing and I love to write.

Only recently in a kinesiology session with Daniela, I blurted out “I would love to be an Author, I can see myself writing and publishing books as my living”.

Right now as I am tying that post the vision I had that day is still exactly the same and just as strong.  The beauty about working with Daniela was that she got my idea in an instant and was able to tap into something I had not even realised, as her calm reply was "Isn't it interesting that you are already living your dream of a writer without knowing it".

Wait…what?

Yes that is right I already write for a living.  This is why I love being a Business Analyst, but I didn’t even know why I loved my job.  It was because every day I have the opportunity to peruse something that I love to do…write.  At the moment I may write requirements specifications, and project briefs, but this is a form of writing.  I also didn’t realise that I am already a published writer; you are reading my published works on the internet.  I have written and published my own blog for 10 years now. 

I already have an outline for a young adult fantasy trilogy that I considered as my hobby. I also have an inspired self-help book outlined that is itching to get out of me.

I am grateful for all the comments and personal message I received from my previous post because it just reiterates that my dream of being an author of a book is something I can and will achieve.


The difference between the past 10 years and now…is that this time I choose to share my previous post on Facebook and not just blogger.  Was that brave? I don’t even think that it matters, if I was brave or courageous, to me it just felt right that it was time that I share my work with the people I know on Facebook.

Healing the 11 year old Marika.

Just so that I don’t confuse you, Mary and Maria in Hungarian are the same name; those that are named Maria have a nick name which is Marika.  On my birth certificate I am Maria, my family call me Marika. Maria is a family name on my father side, my Grandmother, an Aunty and her Daughter (my cousin are all Maria, but are known as Marika). My true self however is Mari and that is the persona I choose to show the world.  But in order to do that I need to heal Marika.

This blog post has come from yet another wonderful balance I had with Daniela this week. It seems as though I am ready to take the next step in my healing journey. Yes I cried… again. The thought that one day soon the real Mari will be shown to the world one day soon is a little daunting. BUT it is time. Mari's time is now.   

But before Mari can be revealed the past needs to be healed and let go, and this is where Marika comes in. Marika has taken an emotional beating for too long. I am grateful so grateful for the lessons and for Marika battling all those years.

Here is a picture of me at 11 years old, I am on a train in Hungary and this is where it all began.

I take the hand of little Marika, she Maris a skinny wee little thing and she shaking with fear. I lean down and hug little Marika and say “It is going to be OK, we can let go now, but before we can let go we need to remember…”

Marika is in Hungary, she travelled there with two friends and a mother. But essentially she has been sent to her family by herself. Marika spends time with all her Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins from her Dad’s side and her Maternal Grandmother.

She loves all her family and enjoys spending time with each and every one of them. She is proud that all these family want to get to know her. She is excited to be staying in the house her father was born in, there is real. History there!

Marika especially loves her Aunty Marika (Marika néni), as she introduced her parents and told all the wonderful stories for her father’s childhood because they were closets in age and shared a special bond. Marika néni was married to a wonderful man named Lajos but little Marika knew him as Loli bácsi.  The nick name was perfect because he was as sweet as a Lolly.

Together they indulged little Marika with treats and love. Imagine an 11 year old half way around the world on her own and here she is hearing about her parents and getting to know a completely different side to her father. How blessed was she?

11 year old Marika would also spend time with her Grandmother (Nagymama) and whilst it was wonderful it was also boring and filled with negativity.  Nagymama did not like her Father and would often berate him for taking her Daughter all the way to Australia. So as an 11 year old little Marika was subjected to nastiness about a father she adored.
                         

During her visit Marika néni had minor surgery and 11 year old Marika was to stay with Loli bácsi nothing wrong in that right? Wrong.

Nagymama rocks up on their doorstep demanding that 11 year old Marika come with her right then and NOW because Loli bácsi was not family. She went onto accused Loli bácsi of unspeakable acts that may occur all in front of 11 year old Marika.

Nothing other than complete love, gentleness, laughter and happiness ever occurred.  This was a man that climbed into the attic to retrieve his daughters doll house so that 11 year old Marika could play with. This was Loli bácsi that made her laugh simply by his wonderful wit. This was a man the treated little Marika like his own daughter.

There was no choice in this situation other than little Marika leave with Nagymama and be subject to more hatred and negativity.  Little Marika was scared though at the adult themes being introduced to her.

That was the point in that that it all started it was then that Marika started putting weight. It was then that she ate to hide and protect herself.  This little girl could not understand what was being said. All her Father’s family spoke loving about her Mother. Yet her Mother’s own Mum was so nasty.  She was frightened.

Dear little Marika, it was wrong for Nagymama to say those nasty things to you. It was wrong and a lie. She was just jealous because Nagymama could see how much you loved Marika néni and Loli bácsi. This was not your fault you were your true self. Love personified just like our future daughter.

We need to forgive Nagymama because she knew no better and she did what she thought was right.

Little Marika you no longer need to be scared of the love you felt for Marika néni and Loli bácsi. You no longer need to hide your true self. Nagymama attacked our Father because she was jealous of the fact that our Mother had a better life. Nagymama didn't hate our Dad, not really she was just unhappy with her life. She had four children, one in London, one in USA and one in Australia the other lived in the same country but rarely visited her. She was unhappy and lonely and selfish because she wanted you all to herself. This was her issue and not yours.

Forgive and let go little Marika, it is time you join back with to me (Mari) our true self.

Here is a photo of what I looked like when I arrived home.  At that time I remember constantly being hassled because I had gained 6kg.  At the age of 11 I was already being teased and told by my family that I was fat.... do you see a fat child here?  I don’t!