Saturday 17 December 2005

Balloon for fear #2

I’m scared, terrified, there is nothing that I can do to change anything. My mind leap frogs from one fear to the next, but I decide to put these fears away, they are doing no-one any good.

I’m sitting under a big tree on a rug the sun is shining the grass hopers are chirping, the birds a singing. When I look down I see this tiny deflated green balloon in my hand. I start blowing my balloon and each breath is a different fear:
- The hcg levels won’t rise
- It’s ectopic
- There’s just an empty sack
- I will miscarry
- There will be no heart beat
- I will get Toxoplasmosis (from my cats)
- I will need a D&C to remove it

I tie a knot at the bottom of the balloon and then tie a piece light green string, I let go of the balloon but hold onto the string. For some reason the balloon is floating in the air.

I get up and walk a short distance to a clearing away from the trees. I look up and there is not a cloud in the sky but there is a small breeze. I’m hanging onto the piece of string with all my heart. I stare at my hand, willing it to let go, my heart starts racing. All of a sudden I just let go, the balloon slowly rises, it almost feels like it doesn’t want to leave either. 

I feel a huge gust of wind ruffle the skirt I’m wearing; my hair is in my eyes for a split second. I loose sight of the balloon, I search the sky frantically for the balloon. It is there in the distance now, I watch it get smaller and smaller.

“Did this help” I hear a voice inside me.

“I don’t know” I whisper back.

Thursday 15 December 2005

OMG

I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.

I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.

I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.

Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

Saturday 19 November 2005

Sorry

To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.

To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.

I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…

To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.

Wednesday 26 October 2005

Why do I do this to myself?

Me text: Would you mind it if I called you this afternoon, when you finished work?

Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30

Me phone: Hello, how are you?

Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?

Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.

Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.

Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.

Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.

Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?

Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.

Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.

Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.

Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?

Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.


On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.

Wednesday 19 October 2005

10 minutes to spare

Oh the joys of Testing, all IT projects that I’ve worked on go through some sort of Testing. It is part of my job that I’m tired of. When I first started working with this company, all I did was System Test, I loved it, learning how to process Business Transactions, testing something new and finding the problems before it was release into production.

My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.

It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.

Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.

So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.

Monday 17 October 2005

Feeling like a real woman

I am a female, I have all the female parts, I look like a girly girl, I don’t have a masculine voice. But I have not really felt like a lady / woman. When my period arrived at the start of this cycle I was upset but relieved. Upset for another failed cycle but estactic that my period finally arrived on it’s own. I didn’t have to take any medication to induce a fake period….hhmm depends on how you look at it really isn’t it?

I did have to have injections to stimulate follicle growth and an injection to induce ovulation but no drugs to bring on a bleed…does this make sense. I view the injections separate to the start of my period. Anyway with this point of view I was relieved and happy to start my period, along with it all I did feel a great sense of depression. Depression like I haven’t felt since I was 19.

Which got me really thinking about my life up until now, it almost feels as though after my wedding my hormones stopped working correctly and I’ve just existed. Not living but existing, flat even, in this sense I don’t feel as though I’ve been a real female until now. Do shifts in hormones define you as a ‘real’ woman?

I don’t know, all I do know is that I rarely have a sex drive, I felt happy, contentment, sadness and anger but it just didn’t feel enough until now as I have a broader ranger of emotions. Even to the point of having a sex drive (Tim is really happy).

At one point I sat there thinking and feeling sorry for myself saying things like “It’s not fair, no one knows what it feels like not to have a period and feel flat all the time”. But I realised that there were people that knew exactly how I feel, these people are you - the ones in my PC, the ones that have their own Blogs.

Tuesday 20 September 2005

What I love

I love my family

I love that my MIL and I are getting close again

I love my house, everything about it

I love my book collection

I love my DVD collection (at times I think that it is the only thing that keeps me sane)

I love the Internet

I love all our PC’s

I love technology it gives me the ability to keep in contact with relatives overseas

I love all the my cyber buddies that I’ve met on EB and the blogworld.

I love my pets

I LOVE my car

I love writing, whether it be letters, documents or blog entries, I express myself so much better on paper than I could ever in speech.

I love dancing, all types I still wish that I did Hungarian dancing, I miss it so.

I love that the one thing I inherited from my mother was her compassion and ability to walk in others shoes, (however on the flip side, I hate that I get hurt so much by people walking all over me).

I love my innocence and am proud that I know nothing about some of the horrors in the world, like crime and drugs …etc

I love my Hungarian heritage, I’m proud to tell anyone that I’m Hungarian, I may have been born here but my roots are there.

I love that I’m creative, painting, knitting and cross-stitching are things that I love to do.

This is a hard one, but I am grateful for this TTC journey, hard as it is, I’ve learnt so much about myself, my needs and it has brought Tim and I closer together. I would not have needed to reach out on the Internet to others and met so many lovely people. I would not have been given a chance to start my chest of dreams. I love that I’ve already bought so much for my Bobim. The saying “double edge sword comes to mind”.

A long time ago I went to a counsellor during a really rough time in my life where she helped me concentrate on those things in my life that are positive, after yesterdays post about all the things that I hate, I was very determined to write this post about the things that I love. By writing down all this it makes me grateful that my life is filled with so much good, even during this hard journey of TTC, I still have things to be grateful for. What a good start to a day huh?

PS: Nico – I will be receiving my blood test results today sometime and will post the results ASAP.

Monday 19 September 2005

What I hate

I hate that I earn more than Tim; it means that I have to go back to work earlier after our (yet to be conceived) baby is born

I hate Monday and Wednesday nights, Tim is not at home and it is too quiet.

I hate that I have to inject myself on the nights that Tim is at school.

I hate that I have bruises on my tummy because I can’t inject myself nicely.

I hate that Tim doesn’t take me to Clayton Monash IVF on my blood test mornings anymore.

I hate that I have to be in at work today when I feel shit.

I hate that I don’t have any motivation to do any work today.

I hate that I’ve gone through 3 gonal-f pens without any sign of ovulation.

I hate that the Business have not taken time to read my Design document yet I’m expected to give quality feedback the first morning I arrived back from leave.

I hate the fact that I did give the feedback.

I hate that G earns so much money for doing nothing and gets away with it, I hate that he can claim his fucking 4WD on Tax when he takes the tram to work and gets away with it. (Just the green monster showing herself, but if I’m writing all the things that I hate, I may as well mention this one too).

I hate that I miss G and Zs more than they miss us.

I hate that MIL was all happy that SIL had her baby scan and how excited she is.

I hate that SIL feel pg before I did and I’ve been trying a lot longer than her.

I hate the years that I wasted on BCP and not TTC.

I hate that I’ve lost so many Bobims.

I hate the words, “Chemical Pregnancy”.

Tomorrow I shall do a “What I love” post.

Friday 16 September 2005

Over reacting...a bit?

I just re-read my post and am wondering if I’m over reacting about the things mentioned. My adopted philosophy (or the one that I use…sometimes) is: “Will this matter in a year from now?” Umm…well no. Then I should just get over these little insignificant things and move on.

Annoying things

***Be warned a lot of swearing***

I’m not the type of person that deals well with confrontation, I would rather avoid any type of confrontation at all costs, however this characteristic has a major flaw I don’t tell people how I feel about things that are said of situations that occur. What a perfect place though to vent other than on my blog, where these people will not know what I say.

Dear Sister
One the main regrets that I have throughout this whole TTC thing is telling you in the first place. I told you as I thought that as you had been there to conceive Ellie you could offer some support or advice. But instead you ask me every fucken time we talk if I’ve got my period.

We Sis I had my period weeks ago and I didn’t tell you, as I don’t want you to know that I’m cycling. No one knows (other than my cyber buddies), not even Anyu. Why because you put way too much pressure on wanting to know each and every gory detail.

You are so tight lipped about everything in your life that now you are going to get your medicine back. I wish that you would just back off and leave me alone, when (you will notice I didn’t say if) I fall pregnant then you will know, but until then BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Dear workmate
I don’t FUCKEN care if you are the encyclopaedia of knowledge of our companies business. No one and I mean no one asked for you opinion. AND….AND..AND we have told you many many times that your work priority is completing the Physical Design, not looking for more errors. That is the Business’ job NOT YOURS.

I don’t want to hear anymore on defects / errors that you are looking at that are NOT assigned to you. YOU HAVE OTHER FUCKING WORK….go and do it. You spend way too much time of the phone, you but into every single conversation even others telephone calls. They are none of your Business!!!

I’m not hear to argue with you I’M THE LEAD FUCKING BUSINESS ANALSYT, you are meant to be doing what I ask you do to. Pull your weight and support your other team members, cause the way you are acting now you’re only trying to blow your trumpet with how good you are, but know one here gives a FUCK. We are all busy doing our work.

Monday 5 September 2005

Food for thought

My morning ritual is to scan my favourite blogs to see if there are any new posts and then proceed to devour what has been written. I’m a bad lurker I rarely comment mostly because of my ill-conceived low self esteem issues. Basically I feel like I really don’t have anything important to say.

Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!

To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”

So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:

Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.


I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.

Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?

Balloon of fear

The only solution that I see for myself with this fear is to imagine that I’m blowing a balloon and every breath that I exhale is that fear, the blue balloon is filling with all my fear. I tie the balloon off and attached a blue streamer to it. I’m now standing in a valley with beautiful green tress surrounding me, a river is on my right and on my left are blue wrens playing in a wattle tree. I’m holding this balloon and it is a sunny day

I’m reluctant to let go of the balloon as it currently has a lot of power, “Is it as easy as letting go of the balloon that my fear will go with it?”
Perhaps not but it may help. Well I did do it last night I let go of the balloon in my thoughts. After speaking with my SIL about all the sessions with J, the thought just popped into my head and I said
“Maybe I should imagine that all that fear is in a balloon and let that balloon go”

My SIL freaked out and started getting really excited as this was one of their techniques used with Kinesiology. J has never used this technique with me before, so it was all new to me.

Has letting the balloon go helped? Kinda, when I think of not having bobim, I don’t get that stomach cramping all consuming fear. The fear is there just not as severe, I now see that I have other options in my life, they were always there but were pushed to the side.

I now that that my life purpose was to nurture and provide guidance to children whether they be my own or others. If I don’t have my own then there are many ways that I could still love and cherish children. But I won’t give up on the chance to have my own. I may start looking into the other avenues of having children in my life and perhaps I will feel better for this and not so empty.

Wednesday 24 August 2005

Contract Set

Mimi and I have set a contract in motion with regards to the weight loss thing. Now I love my husband dearly and could never imagine my life with out him, why do I say this? Well because of our agreement.

When I first met Mimi he was on his feet all day and worked in a warehouse and wore sneakers. To say his feet smelled is an understatement, but somehow his parents put up with it, they put up with it for many years. It was appalling; when we got married we lived with my parents and there were a number of tried remedies and tested.

There were times when I refused to be in the same room as him until he washed his feet and I refused to touch them even if they had been washed. When we moved in together I pestered him to seek professional help. To cut a long story short, with modern medicine the smelly feet problem was resolved.

So my Mimi’s feet form a big part of the contract, to this day I still refuse to touch them or have them touch me, even asleep I cringe.

Our contract is that I will starting a diet on Monday and I will be working on a meals plan and I’m to stick with it. If for some reason I deviate from the plan and say have a bucket of chips at lunch then I’m to hold Mimi’s unwashed feet for a duration of time.

During a week I’m allowed to have one take away night a week and a week has been defined as starting from Monday and end on Sunday. Take away food does not include if we were to go out to dinner. The ‘punishment’ system relies on my honesty.

The duration of time that I hold his foot will start at 5 seconds and when I get to the 5 minute mark then I’m to kiss it….eeeewwww.

We discussed an incentive system where I’m rewarded with benefits like DVD’s, books, anything I want but I know that I can get those things when ever I want and I really think a negative impact will have more a positive impact on my requirement.

I will keep you all posted with how my punishments go. I’m not looking forward to those feet at all.

Tuesday 23 August 2005

Intentions

I’ve just been chatting with Bugsy and I’ve made myself really angry. So angry in fact that I want to kick my arse from here to hell. What has made me so angry? Simply this:

I had all the good intentions of going part time at work to 'help' change my lifestyle. My plan was to go to deep-water aerobics in the morning, go home, shower and then plan my meals the coming week, then go grocery shopping. Instead I sometimes have a massage, most recently during my Fridays off I don't even leave the house.

I think that my problem is that I listen to too many people, when I previously lost weight on the Sure Slim diet, I went to normal water aerobics and I know that it helped me drop the 20kg. However this time around I’ve had the following said to me:

“Eat no bread, no sugar and no salt” K

“You can’t not have salt in your diet” GP

“Water aerobics is not enough for you to loose weight you need to only do land exercises” PT

“Sure Slim tells you to only eat three meals a day, I want you to have 5 meals.” PT

“You should be eating something every two hours to boost your metabolic rate” GP

“Eat nuts they are a good source of protein” PT

“Not all nuts are good for you, some like cashews you are eating are high in fat” GP

K = Kinesiologist
PT = Personal Trainer
GP = my doctor.

All these people at times contradict others, they are all meant to be helping me but I seem to be getting mixed messages. Could it be my fault that I’m too open with trying to get help and am seeking help from more than one person?

Well as of today it will all stop, I HAVE lost weight before and I will do it again my way. This time I am not going to talk about it with anyone else (other than my cyber buddies), not with the Konesiologist, Personal Trainer, my gp, my Sister or work colleagues. Everone has an opinion about what is and isn’t healthy to eat and what is and isn’t the right exercise.

I also think that I need to be really strict with myself, you know if I decide to eat Pizza for dinner then I have to pay some money or I have to do something I really don’t want to do. I will discuss this with Mimi tonight and see what he says. I bet his answer would be if I decide to have take-away for diner then I have to give him pleasure.


Side note: I’ve been give the go ahead to start Primolut today.

Sunday 21 August 2005

For Bugsy

I've never been tagged before but I'm happy to play here goes:

id•i•o•syn•cra•sy - a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people.

1) I always have to wash my hands before I get into bed. If I forget I will not be able to sleep until I do. Weird huh?

2) To fall asleep I perform a series of turns, I start on my back, then turn onto my left side, then on my right, then on my stomach to finally fall asleep on my righ side. If that all fails then I get up and go to the spare bedroom where I repeat the above mentioned exercise.

3) I have to have the window open when I'm asleep, no matter what time of the year or the temperature. Our bedroom needs to be cold, even now we are heating the house yet our bedroom door is closed with the window open.

4) I will not leave the house if my clothes or Mimi's clothes are not ironed properly. I even iron every morning. If Ellie and Tina are stay here they are not let out of the house with wrinkled clothing.

5) I don't know what my 5th one is, could an idiosyncrasy be that I must check certain blogs when I log onto the internet, even if it is for 5 minutes?

A while ago I mentioned to Bugsy the Christmas present I was making for Tina. A cross stitch that I bought back in March. Here is the photo of what it will look like once finished.

md30


And here is what I've done to date


Xmas present 10003

It was started in March but I did have a break for about a month and a half when I took up some knitting. This picture involves not only cotton stitches but metalic threads and beads. I'm up to the back stitiching and beading at the moment, I'm aiming to have this one finished by the end of August so that I can start Ellies Christmas presnet. Photo here:

md26

They will both be framed by Mimi, Bugs I finally got around to showing you where I'm up to.

Monday 15 August 2005

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

Sunday 24 July 2005

In comes Mr Mas

We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.

Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.

I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.

Thursday 14 July 2005

Do I hate my job?

Mimi seems to think that I hate my job, as I don’t want to be here. Last night as I was going to bed Mimi saw my face and guessed that I was thinking that I didn’t want to come into work today. That was true, it was exactly what I was thinking.

Then he says “If you are not happy with your job leave”. I tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with my job, I don’t mind the travel (I travel about 2.5 hours each day). I like the people that I’m working with and I do get quite a bit of job satisfaction.

BUT, in the back of my mind I feel as though I SHOULD NOT be there anymore, I should be at home with my baby. But I couldn’t say that to Mimi. What I did say was that I really needed a holiday, time away from work. It has been over 2 years since I’ve actually had more than 2 days off work, not related to illness or during the weeks off after my many miscarriages.

Mimi and I are going on holidays soon, first week in August and it is so long over due that I still find myself not motivated to go into work. Just because I don’t want to be here right now, does that mean that I hate my job?

Tuesday 12 July 2005

Geekdom

A few years ago I met a girl at my work that I thought that I would never really be friends with. You know the type, the really weird girl with bad dress sense that floats around the office dropping sarcastic comments that no one really understands.

But something about this girl drew me to her and I started chatting to her on the train rides home. I then found out that we had a lot of things in common. We both read Sci-Fi books, played the same PC games, loved the same TV shows and movies.

Then one day on the way home I was questioned as to how many PC’s we have in the household compared to people, either working or non working. At the time I think the ration was 4:2 PC’s to people. The reaction I got was one that I didn’t expect:
“Just as I thought…you are a geek” she said whilst nodding her head.

Now being Mari I took it the wrong way and was very hurt by that comment. “Me a GEEK…NEVER”.

But this person whom also labeled herself as a Geek, loved the label thrived on being called that, this person whilst in my life for a short time, touched it profoundly. I know that I’m not full a pledged Geek member yet, but I love this part about myself.

So my question is to the people that read this…do you consider yourself a geek?

Confession time

I feel that I must confess about a few things, the desire to blog about it is strong and won’t leave me.

I’ve lied, will I go to hell? Possibly; But I’ve lied to myself and it is the worst crime I can think of. I went to all the trouble to get a letter from my GP so that I could go to Part Time hours, took a pay cut. All with the intention that I would use that time for good and not evil.

Well I’ve been uber evil, I’m a sloth, I lie about the reason why I can’t go to the personal training sessions. I don’t cook, the No BSS diet is out the window. I’ve reverted back to the old me, all because I just can’t be bothered.

I haven’t lost weight, in fact I’ve put on 2kg’s, but what is really funny is that I’ve seem to have lost 10cm every where.

I didn’t want to go but I went to PT session tonight and will be going again on Thursday, I feel guilty, retched. This whole “break” from OI and TTC was so that I could concentrate on “looking after myself”.

The truth came out the other day on the way home, when Ellie and Tina are here I’m the FABULOUS Mum, I cook sensible meals, exercise and won’t let them sit in front of the TV. I’m actually really active. Yet when it is just the two of us I revert back to Evil Mari (my nickname). Take out, sloth, depression become my domain.

I finally admitted to Mimi that when Bobim did come I know that I would be a totally different person, but until then I really DON’T CARE. There it is out in the world. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF AND I’M HAPPY WITH THAT!

Monday 11 July 2005

No Tact

We had a lunch to celebrate my FIL’s Birthday and after we had finished eating we were just sitting there chatting when my SIL announces that she has news and that she is 9 weeks pregnant.

At that precise moment I felt this hand creep along my leg to grip my hand. I made all the right noises, and smiles whilst this hand was held mine in a kind of death grip. I asked all the right questions, pretended that I was ecstatic with hearing the news.

But really I felt sick, I wanted to throw up the meal that I had just consumed, the afternoon got worse from that point on. We didn’t stay much longer as the things that were coming out of her mouth were tactless and hurtful.

On the way home Ellie was asking Mimi if his sister even wanted the baby, she was saying things like:
“Oh you won’t believe how expensive it is”
“I hate it how my body is changing”
“Yes…It’s all about the baby now” (whilst rolling her eyes)

I really didn’t have time to think and absorb the impact of her news as we also had dinner plans with my Sister taking the girls home. For a 15 year old Ellie was very kind held my hand on the way home and to her house, made me laugh and generally not allow me to think about SIL.

But reality hit me this morning on the way to work and I can’t help feel but as the question WHY?. Why does my heart hurt like I’ve been shot in the chest…I can’t breath and I feel sick.

Thursday 7 July 2005

Many little things

Sleep

I’m finding it hard to fall asleep lately, I’m not sure really what it is, but my meditation methods have been eluding me of late. After tossing and turning I sometimes end up in the other bedroom, where as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m ok. I’m suffering from mind chatter and have always, been like that but I can usually control it, sometimes reading, knitting and cross stitching have helped but not lately.

Work

I’ve hinted to my Project Manager that I may need to go back to Full time. I hated having to say that as I’ve really become to love my Friday’s off. I can’t help the thought coming into my mind that one of the main reasons why Mimi and I are in this ‘spanner’ phase is because I’m getting a big kick up the bum because I’ve not really concentrated on what I should’ve been and that it loosing weight.

Weekend

I get to play Mum again starting tonight, as Ellie and Tina are coming over for the weekend. I love it when they are here even though they are not babies but teenagers, I love spending time with them. I seem to take more of an adult role when they are here, it is hard to explain but I change, I definitely become more a mother.

Some would feel that having them over would make it harder as it just shows what you are missing out on. But not for me, I’m more determined than ever when they leave.

Monday 4 July 2005

Sunday 3 July 2005

A spanner

One of my favourite all time sayings is “A spanner in the works”, I don’t know where it originated but I use it all the time even at work. I guess that it means that when you think life, or a project is going smoothly a spanner gets thrown in, sometimes just to see how the project / people handle the situation and overcome the obstacles. Other times I think that life is just testing your strength, possibly character building?

This post has been named spanner as Mimi and I have been thrown a pretty huge spanner into our machine known as life. Last Friday, Mimi was told that the company was bought out by another company looking to acquire the Melbourne office. We weren’t that nervous as we figured that Mimi being the only one looking after the warehouse he would be set.

Monday they were told to write a letter detailing their jobs and duties. So being a good wife who knows how to sell on paper (as I do it almost everyday). I wrote Mimi’s letter with the confidence that the ‘new’ people would be blown away. Tuesday Mimi comes home to tell me that he didn’t get a position. Consequently that night we were going to an information session at a Computer institute as Mimi was thinking about a career change.

Wednesday Mimi gets told that he will be receiving a package including the full entitlements for the duration of his time at the company. The sum of money is irrelevant but we were a bit gobsmacked.

I feel as though I’ve lost control of my life and am starting to question just about everything, priorities, work, life, future, money and Mimi’s career. He has decided to go and do a Diploma at the Computer institute, which we really can’t afford to do on the one wage, especially as I’m on part time rates.

Luckily Mimi can go and work casually however it relies on the company calling Mimi and is unreliable. Times are changing with the uncertainty, I’m going to have to go back to full time working hours, which I knew that I would have to, but I always had this vision that it would be when I was pregnant or really ready.

I’m worried really worried, about the bills, mortgage and now the school fees, in the long term it will be worth while and it will mean a better job, more money in our pockets and the opportunity for me to stay home when bobim arrives. ATM I would have to go back to work as I earn the most. What I’m really worried about is that in August I will be seeing Dr New and I’m looking to start treatment ASAP, I’m terrified that we will not be able to afford an OI cycle.

Bobim is still our highest priority and I can’t help feel that she/he has been put on hold by this spanner in the works.

Wednesday 22 June 2005

A dream or reality?

I wake, it is still dark, I’m sitting in a cramped spot, I’m covered with my duna and I have my favourite pillow in front of my face. Then it starts, my heart beats really hard….thump…thump..it is getting faster, my chest is feeling tighter. My heart, there is so much pain in my heart. I can’t breath, oh god does it hurt.

A cramp seizes me, and I feel a gush between my legs. I double over in pain. Another cramp more pain. I start to whimper. Then a hand reaches out to me, I cringe I don’t want anything to touch me. It would hurt to much. Something wet drops onto my knee (which is drawn to my chest). I touch my check it is wet. I am crying.

The hand reaches for me again, I can’t get away, I’m backed up against the wall. Another cramp, I double over in pain. Then blackness seeps into my vision. I pass out, but really I wish I was dead.

I wake, I feel empty a shell that is not worthy, I’m ashamed and embarrassed, I’m not a fit mother, I can’t hold onto the thing that is precious to me. Questions. So many questions all starting with Why?.

Tuesday 21 June 2005

Just one of those days

It has been one of those days where you just want to stay at home and in bed, just reading, watching DVD’s, Dr Phil and Oprah. Where you don’t have to talk to the world, where you can just hide in your safe home without being interrupted. Where you don’t have to think, feel and talk. The hum of the TV, the story unfolding before your eyes with the movie you are watching or the imaginary world that occurs when you are reading a great book is all the company that you need.

I feel as though I’m at the bottom of a well it is all dark and cold, yet inviting down here, when I look up I can see a tiny ray of light the size of a five cent coin. The light represents a real world, the world that I want to hide from. It is a world where I am still not a physical mother, yet I am a Mum to 3 babies that have left me. This world is not a nice place as it is forever mocking me, throwing pregnant women in my path, ladies with gorgeous new born children, people conceiving so easily. This world is a place that I want to hide from. “Just leave me down”.

I feel something hit my head, I can’t see anything as it is dark, but I feel that it is a piece of wood with rope attached at each end. I feel up the rope and it seems to be a ladder. I shudder, I don’t want to go up that ladder…”it will only cause me more pain” I scream loudly.

Yet I hear this noise, the incessant beeping that will not leaving me alone. It is driving me crazy, I scream in frustration. Yet strangely I recognise the beeping it is my mobile telling me that I’ve received a SMS. I reach over and read the message…it is a cry for help from Ellie, she needs help with a small issue. I reply that I will help and receive another message this time telling me how much she loves and needs me and how she can’t wait to see me on Thursday.

I wake up and the world does not look that bad with the love of children like Ellie and Tina who are not my own, but whom I love as though they are mine. The world seems like a brighter place. Ellie always seems to know when I need her the most.

Friday 17 June 2005

More thoughts

This whole thing with Zs is still bothering me, I had hoped that writing the letter in my previous post that it would help me get past what happened and move on. But for some reason I can’t. I’m actually really angry at myself, furious even; Once again I’ve opened my heart and my life fully to this person who has stomped all over me.

Why do I allow this to happen? Am I destined to be one of those people that never really open up to friends? Or the kind that hides their feelings and never shows their real self? Or is it simply that I always seem to choose the wrong friends to love and cherish?

I think that it is the last point, I actually think that I expect too much of friends, I’m happy to give, give and keep on giving but I never receive in turn, but I’ve been happy with that. This makes me think that I should harden my heart and not give anymore, but then it would not be me. Or the other option is to build a fucken bridge and get over the bitch, why do I crave a friendship with someone that hurts me?

Oh Fuck it…I’ve just got to stop, in the scheme of things there are other more important issue to think about. Stop fucken stressing over the cow for Gods sake.

Thursday 16 June 2005

Friendship

An incident occurred a number of weeks ago and has been with me since then, I can’t stop thinking about what happened, so I thought that it was time to finally put it to rest in my heart and blog about it. So here goes:

Dear Zs
I would like to start this letter by first telling you how important your friendship was to me. I loved you like you were my sister, accepted you for who you were and appreciated all the time we could spend with each other.

I’m very disappointed with what occurred that night (which was meant to be a night that we celebrate my Birthday), it was your decision to storm out of my house, you were not pushed to leave. What you said to me has deeply hurt me and at the moment I don’t see a way back to our friendship that was.

I’m 29 years old and I work very hard to earn my living, my hobby is to collect DVD’s and TV shows, it is what we like to spend our money on. Now as a friend I’m happy for you to borrow all the movies in our possession, which you have done in the past, no questions asked.

However when I found out that you were borrowing them to make a copy of my movies, I was shocked it was never my intention to let you borrow anything and have them illegally copied. So when you asked to borrow some more movies and when I simply asked you if it was your intention to copy them and you replied “Yes”. I had every right to say “No” to you, which you obviously didn’t like.

Now I don’t know whether you didn’t like the fact that I stood up for myself and simply said “No” to your request or that I asked you to only borrow them and not copy them. Mimi and I strongly disagree with the practice of downloading movies, music and tv shows off the internet and then burning copies for others. We have previously discussed this with you. It is our way and we are happy to buy things full price, as we enjoy them much more.

After I said “No” to you, you said “A true friend would not deny you your wishes”. This what hurts the most, I’ve only requested that you do not copy the movies, I didn’t deny your viewing pleasure. My niece who is 14 yo has fights with friends and I’ve passed on some advice to her in the past, which was that if a friend ever said the words “If you were my true friend” then to me they are really not a true friend.

When I asked you if you now felt as though I was not your true friend you shrugged which to me indicated your thoughts completely. I was and still am totally shocked and stunned that you would think that of me.

I did receive your SMS and I have not replied and will not reply as I feel that I don’t need to explain my thoughts and actions anymore, I am an adult I don’t answer to anyone and if I decide not to lend you something it is my right to make that decision.

Hopefully after this few week break we can both get over what happened and what was said and move on, that is if we are both adult enough to let go of what happened as honestly in the scheme of things it is insignificant and will NOT matter in a year from now.

Your ture friend
Mari

Thursday 9 June 2005

WIGO

If you work in the IT industry as I do, you will be aware of the acronym WIGO, people in IT love acronyms. WIGO stands for What Is Going On, so here I am giving you an updated on things going on in my life.

My visitors have moved out, this happened back in April. The relief of having my house, life back is overwhelming. During their stay here I was not able to Blog, surf and chat as I had become used to, I’m out of the habit. I want to get back into my cyber world has I have missed it immensely.

Work has been very hectic, the usual story when working on projects, no time, no budget and wrong assumptions have meant that instead of working 30 hour weeks (as advised by my gp) I’ve been putting in 50 to 60 hour weeks. Meaning I’ve been working on my Day off, my sacred Fridays and also being working the last 3 Sundays in a row.

It started out being a week from hell, which slowly but quickly grew to 3 weeks of hell. The worst part was I let both myself and my Mimi down; I started putting work before me and my goals. With the hours I was doing I wasn’t eating well, I didn’t go to the gym. It took Mimi screaming at me for an hour last Friday to snap me out of the nasty “guilt, work, they can’t do it with out me spell” I was under.

I stilled worked last Sunday but I was firm with the people I was working with and simply told then that the last three weeks were done and the hysteria over the project is almost over and I will NOT be doing this again. I will NOT be working weekends or on Fridays, I need to take care of myself. I also reminded my work colleagues that I was and still am under gp instructions to take it easy and ONLY work 30 hours a week. There was no problem with this from my work at all.

But this did not stop me from work till 7:30pm last night…see what a sucker I am to my job? But I knew that I now had 5 days off from work.

For the first time in almost 4 weeks I went and had my Personal Training session this morning. I was so very tempted to cancel as I was not in the mood but I’m glad that I pushed myself and glad that I went. Feel so much better now. I’m also off to have a massage this afternoon which I’m looking forward to.

Monday 9 May 2005

Balloon of fear

The only solution that I see for myself with this fear is to imagine that I’m blowing a balloon and every breath that I exhale is that fear, the blue balloon is filling with all my fear. I tie the balloon off and attached a blue streamer to it. I’m now standing in a valley with beautiful green tress surrounding me, a river is on my right and on my left are blue wrens playing in a wattle tree. I’m holding this balloon and it is a sunny day.

I’m reluctant to let go of the balloon as it currently has a lot of power, “Is it as easy as letting go of the balloon that my fear will go with it?”
Perhaps not but it may help. Well I did do it last night I let go of the balloon in my thoughts. After speaking with my SIL about all the sessions with J, the thought just popped into my head and I said
“Maybe I should imagine that all that fear is in a balloon and let that balloon go”

My SIL freaked out and started getting really excited as this was one of their techniques used with Kinesiology. J has never used this technique with me before, so it was all new to me.

Has letting the balloon go helped? Kinda, when I think of not having bobim, I don’t get that stomach cramping all consuming fear. The fear is there just not as severe, I now see that I have other options in my life, they were always there but were pushed to the side.

I now that that my life purpose was to nurture and provide guidance to children whether they be my own or others. If I don’t have my own then there are many ways that I could still love and cherish children. But I won’t give up on the chance to have my own. I may start looking into the other avenues of having children in my life and perhaps I will feel better for this and not so empty.

Saturday 7 May 2005

Letting go of the fear

I’ve been struggling with this for a long time now and I just don’t know how to let go of the fear of not having a Baby. I just don’t think that I can suddenly just say “She’ll be right” If I don’t have child because I would be lying I won’t be right. Part of me would die. I just can’t accept a future without a child in it.

I’ve tried to talk to Mimi about it and he always says “It will happen”. I did have that faith but I just don’t know anymore. J said that if I let go of my fear then it will work for us, but I just don’t know how to let go.

Maybe it would be different if Mimi and I were just trying the normal way, but when I’m cycling I go through blood tests, ultrasounds, injections and advice. I get told when to inject, when to have a blood test, when to spread my legs for an ultrasound when to have sex and I pay money for this ‘privilege’. How can I NOT have hopes that the cycle would work, how can I NOT be scared that I would not have a child when my current track record is that I’ve suffered 3 miscarriages and each time after an OI cycle.

Yippeee that OI cycles work, yet I can’t seem to KEEP a child. Which makes me think, is this not meant to be for me? Am I such a bad mother that God will not give me the honour to have, hold and nurture my little bobi?

There must be away out of this whole of fear…I just need help in realising what it is.

Friday 6 May 2005

Right or wrong reasons

Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.

Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.

I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.

However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”

I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.

I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”

I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.

My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.

So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.

To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.

Sunday 1 May 2005

August 2005

In the last three months I have learnt a lot about myself, I sweat the small stuff. I stress about every little thing and I am such an uptight person. When the visitors were staying with me (they moved out a week ago). I stressed about how much they were using the internet. Since they have been gone I’ve logged on once, which makes me think..”what the hell is wrong with me?”.

The time that I spent whinging, venting and being upset, angry could have been spent on working on myself. Instead I cloud my mind with all these unimportant events to stress over, rather than learn to love, cherish and honour myself.

I’m reading a great book (one of the many books I have on go) and the title is ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff’. I’ve had this book on my self for a long time, but I only seem to reach for it in times of real need. One chapter has stood out in my mind and I constantly use “Will this matter in a year from now?”.

Will it matter that my visitor whilst cleaning up threw out all the spare toothbrushes which were kept for Ellie, Tina and Gabor when they stay here? No then why stress about it.

So this one simple question has made me question just about everything that is kept in my mind chatter. Has it made a difference, I can’t really tell, but I no longer work myself into a frenzy with simple stuff.

I’m really trying to eat properly and change my lifestyle to suit, but it’s not easy and I will persevere. I go to water aerobics, which I love, 3 times a week, the plan is that I will be doing exercise at the gym 5 times a week, this being my schedule:
* Sunday – rest
* Monday night – water aerobics
* Tuesday night – rest
* Wednesday night – gym program workout
* Thursday night – personal trainer
* Friday morning – water aerobics
* Saturday morning – water aerobics

August 2005 is the month that I’m looking towards. It is when I’ve decided to that I will be going back to Full time work. It will be the month that I will go back to Dr N and start OI treatment.

Part of me is bit concerned that I maybe putting too much emphasis on August, almost like I’m expecting my first treatment of OI to work straight away because I’ve done so much work Trying to loose weight.

This past week I’ve woken up with my worst fear appearing on the surface ‘what will happen if I never can have kids?’. This thought still sends me into a state of panic and I know that I should face it and give it some power and work on the truth but I would rather hide and be in denial. I don’t want to go to that reality, give me a nice dark closet to hide in. It is a question that won’t leave me and I will talk about it more but just not today as I’ve said enough.

Wednesday 20 April 2005

Moto

In spite of this conflict in attitude about "I want to lose weight", I deeply and profoundly love, accept, appreciate, respect and honour myself.

Wednesday 30 March 2005

It's all about me

Last Thursday I went and saw both the Kinesiologist (J) and the GP (Dr K) many things were discussed with both of them. I felt much better after seeing J all empowered and my fist were up and I was ready to take on my weight issue and infertility. Come on, bring it on! Then my world comes crashing down to reality, I’m still NO Closer!

During my meeting with J she said that there was a deep fear within myself that was somehow hindering me having my Bobim. Fear…hmph what could I be scared about? I lay there thinking that maybe I was scared that I would be a bad mother? No that wasn’t it.

I was then asked, “What would happen if you never had a child?” With that question it seemed as though she had turned on a tap, I could not stop crying. This was it, I was scared that I would never have a child and thinking about it now it is true. I’m terrified that I will have my Bobim and that all the injections in the world will not help me.

J then asked me what is my life purpose, what would my life be like with out a child? All I could say after sobbing and blubbering was “But I want one”. J then said that she knows that I want a child but I need to prepare myself for the fact that I may never get the chance and what would I do with my life.

Now I don’t know if I believe her but J said that if I don’t let go of my fear then it will never happen and that I have to find my life purpose. “Find my life purpose” I thought “how the hell am I going to do that?”

My homework for the next 3 weeks is:
* Love life
* Find out what my life purpose is
* Love, care for and guide myself
* Stand up for myself (whole other post)
* Be more strict with my diet (No BSS)
* Let go of my fear of never having a child
* Stop worrying

I have no clue how to go about doing most of the above, how do I stop worrying? How do I let go of my worst nightmare? Do I just accept that I may never have a child and then it will happen? Will letting go of my fear make my periods more regular? I have a medical reason for why I can’t conceive naturally I don’t ovulate.

I just don’t understand how being grounded, balanced and loving life and finding my purpose in life will help my ovaries produce eggs and then help me keep a pregnancy?

I also am pissed off…and have started the Why game…Why is it that I have to do all this stuff, yet some fall pg at the sight of a penis. If anything I feel right this minute angry damn fucken angry and extremely resentful. I’ve coped well enough up until this set back. I had decided to take a break for AC and work on my weight and at least get the ball rolling. But finding your life’s purpose just seems that it will take so long. I hate who I am right now as I don’t want to feel resentment it is not a positive feeling.

Tuesday 29 March 2005

All too hard ATM

Just a quick one to let all know that I'm struggling at the moment with TTC, TTLW, No BSS, visitors and with life in general.

I will post soon but just can't bring myself to get started. Something has to give...and I think that it maybe my sanity.

Friday 18 March 2005

First day back

It was my first day back at work today and I worked myself up so much this morning that I was in tears having breakfast and I had the shakes all the way to work.

Luckily I met a fellow work colleague on the Train and was able to chat to them and catch up on the gossip. But I still couldn’t stop the anxiety of walking onto the floor and sitting at my desk.

I just knew that these questions would be asked:
“How are you?” said with a concerned look on their face,
“Are you feeling better?”
“What was wrong?”
“Better keep away from me as I don’t want your germs!”

I still sound like I have a cold so a lot of people thought that this was the reason I was away. We have a standard meeting every morning at 9am and in there one guy very innocently said to me “You wouldn’t believe how many people were sick like you, this week!”

I sat there stunned and just smile and nodded “Really I say” but in my mind “Hmmph, they didn’t have what I had”.

But mostly I told the truth to everyone as I felt that honesty is the best policy. Some I just let them think what they thought but others I just said “I had a miscarriage, this is my third one and I’m not coping very well.”

It seemed those that I told treated me very differently I was left on my own, others came and asked if there was anything that they could do. But mostly I felt relieved to get it out in the open. Some also shared their sorrow with me and I just told them that I just couldn’t talk about it with them as it was still so raw.

It helped a lot that I had Bugsy on call and was able to email her through out the day with updates and my vents, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the day without her being there.

Monday I have a meeting with my Project Manager and Department Manager regarding my hours, I’m already stressing out about that meeting.

Thursday 3 March 2005

Heres one for ya No BSS

I stood on the scales this morning and it was a kilo and a half lighter…WOOO FUCKEN HOOOO!!

The pain and the hardship of nearly two weeks paid off. Although I felt guilty of adultery, like I was not honest with my lover. I had eaten Pizza and KFC and not told no BSS, and it amazed me that I lost that much weight.

To celebrate I went and had toast with coffee that contained really sugar, almost putting the whole kilo and a half back on with one meal. I looked No BSS in the face and said “Huh FUCK YOU, I’m going to eat this!”.

I did I happily ate my breakfast now I have this going on in my head:
Little voice: “Do you want to loose weight”
Me: “Yes and I did” (replying with a smug look on my face)
Little voice: “Then why did you eat BSS (bread, sugar, salt)?”
Me: “Cause I wanted to” I replied with my confidence and gusto.
Little voice: “But you realise that all your good work has gone to waste”
Me: (snorts most unladylike) “No it hasn’t it was just one meal”
Little voice: “We will see, are you sure you want to loose weight”
Me “Yes, I do” I reply meekly sighing.
Not so Little voice: “Then NO BREAD, NO SUGAR AND NO SALT…GOT IT”.
Me: “yes I got it” shuffling my feet and looking down like a naughty child
Me: “But I did have orange juice, freshly squeezed” Hopeful smile playing on my face
Little voice: “Hmmph you think that the juice will redeem your sins?”
Me: with a look of utter disbelief “Oh get over yourself it was just breakfast”.

Best Purchase Ever made

I can’t remember if I mentioned this previously with No BSS in mind I went out and bought a juicer, one of the ones that you can put a whole piece of fruit in it and juice comes out. To date it has been the best purchase that I think that I have ever made.

Sure it take time to clean up, but I don’t care the benefits have out weighed the little work that it requires for it to be kept clean. I love my juicer, I think that one it may replace my mimis place, but not until I have our baby. I shall from this day forward refer to my juicer as Jazzy Jay.

Wednesday 2 March 2005

Disaster Night

That one word sums up the whole night…DISASTER. As a dutiful female going through infertility treatment, I mixed the Pregnyl 5000 early in the night. Getting it ready for my injection time of 8:00pm. But for some reason I couldn’t get rid of the air bubbles, so I left it until our injection time.

8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.

I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.

I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!

On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.

By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.

Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.

Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!

Saturday 26 February 2005

My Husband

My Mimi may not be the best looking bloke in the world and he may not be the kindest, romantic, ideal husband that woman desire. But he is my match, just right for me.

I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.

He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.

I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.

I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Not doing too good

My b/t results were not that good on Friday my oestrogen levels rose from 218 to 222. Not happy Jan, so we increased the dose to 150. Next b/t and scan is set for Thursday, so we will see if there is a large enough follie present. My fingers are crossed for a 19-20mm follie present, but given that my levels are not doing what they should be I don’t know if I will be lucky enough.

On Friday I went and saw J (Kinesiologist) and took along all my meds. She put Metformin on my chest and asked me how I was feeling on the medication. I replied honestly that I was feeling shit and suffering at night with cramps and diarrhoea. She then asked me why was I taking it if I was suffering so bad with it, my response was to tell her that I take it cause I asked for it to be prescribed to me but also I was hoping that it would help regulate my cycles.

Well she knocked it off my chest quite violently, that I was surprised, shocked really and basically said well stop it and don’t take it anymore, my body is screaming at her that it doesn’t like it and doesn’t need it. So I decided to follow her lead and stop taking it.

I’ve been very naughty with the whole diet thing; I’ve eaten bread and foods with sugar in it. I also Pizza a twice in the two weeks that I saw J. This time around every few seconds she kept on asking me “Do you want to loose weight?” I said, “Of course I do”, she then says “Really! OK!”.

This went on for the whole hour session; we talked about my eating habits and this was basically our conversation:
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no bread”
Me: (sigh) “Ok no bread”J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no sugar”
Me: (sigh) “Ok no sugar”

I then went on to ask her about natural sugar found in fruit and pitta bread. Fruit is ok but just because pitta bread is flat it is still bread. So no bread what so ever, in passing she mentioned salt and I (stupid stupid Mari), told her that I use a lot of salt. She got all excited and then said:
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no salt”
Me: “What no salt as well, your joking!”
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do, but”
J: “No buts, No bread, no sugar, no salt”
Me (almost in tears) “Ok no bread, no sugar, no salt”

I spent most of the weekend looking for foods that I CAN eat, working out what I can have for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There is not much that I can eat for breakfast, nearly all the cereals out there have sugar and salt. Since I saw J, I have that fucken question come up all the time in my mind “Do you want to loose weight?”.

YES I FUCKEN DO, SO BACK OFF!

Thursday 10 February 2005

Cave

I’m want and crave my cave today, I’m not having a good time of it all atm. I’m very moody, wanting to snap at people but I really want to be left alone.



Yet again I have another headache, I wish, hope and am praying that this means that my period will be showing up soon. The headache is currently growing from a slight throbbing sensation to a needle piercing probe in my temple.



I don’t want to take anything for it, but I know that I will have to, if it starts affecting my sight, then I’m going home (I’m at work atm).



I’ve been writing this post for most of the day and right now I just want to run to the ladies and close the door and burst into tears, well not really tears but big great slobbering sobs.

Where is my cave, I just want to crawl into my nice warm dark cave and just sit in a corner it a nice tight ball and just rest, sleep sob even. I hate having to wear my mask today. Can’t I just crawl please into my lovely cave of oblivion for the next few days?

Saturday 5 February 2005

Update

I went for the b/t yesterday and 15 vials of blood were removed. As I was driving home I thought that I probably should’ve copied down the type of tests that were being done. Sometimes I hate hindsight…wish it could be foresight!



I don’t know exactly what tests are being done, but I will ask for a copy of the results. I don’t want to hear “All looks ok”. I want to know what looks ok, what specifically was tested.



I went to my first Kinesiology body balance thing, don’t know how else to describe it. It was weird and also refreshing. But I do have a slight headache from it, is this normal I wonder? She said that I was in autumn and that I was hibernating, hiding from something and that I was lost. She will be helping me to understand and work on this with me.



She helped me with my back pain and also said that my body is so out of touch with itself that it doesn’t realise that there are things that are wrong with me. I took all the medication that I’m on (that is, Metformin) and those that I will be on once I start my next cycle.



I’ve been given some homework to do:

* No Bread

* No sugar

* No Pizza after work

* No take away

* Do my crafty ‘arty’ things

* Go dancing

* Have fun

* Be content



My next appointment with her is a fortnight from now and I’m determined to stick to my homework.



Still no sign of my period and I really hope that it arrives on the 8th of Feb, I’m sick of waiting and I just want to get started again.