Why do I do this to myself?

Me text: Would you mind it if I called you this afternoon, when you finished work?

Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30

Me phone: Hello, how are you?

Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?

Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.

Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.

Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.

Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.

Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?

Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.

Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.

Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.

Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?

Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.

On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.

10 minutes to spare

Oh the joys of Testing, all IT projects that I’ve worked on go through some sort of Testing. It is part of my job that I’m tired of. When I first started working with this company, all I did was System Test, I loved it, learning how to process Business Transactions, testing something new and finding the problems before it was release into production.

My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.

It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.

Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.

So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.

Feeling like a real woman

I am a female, I have all the female parts, I look like a girly girl, I don’t have a masculine voice. But I have not really felt like a lady / woman. When my period arrived at the start of this cycle I was upset but relieved. Upset for another failed cycle but estactic that my period finally arrived on it’s own. I didn’t have to take any medication to induce a fake period….hhmm depends on how you look at it really isn’t it?

I did have to have injections to stimulate follicle growth and an injection to induce ovulation but no drugs to bring on a bleed…does this make sense. I view the injections separate to the start of my period. Anyway with this point of view I was relieved and happy to start my period, along with it all I did feel a great sense of depression. Depression like I haven’t felt since I was 19.

Which got me really thinking about my life up until now, it almost feels as though after my wedding my hormones stopped working correctly and I’ve just existed. Not living but existing, flat even, in this sense I don’t feel as though I’ve been a real female until now. Do shifts in hormones define you as a ‘real’ woman?

I don’t know, all I do know is that I rarely have a sex drive, I felt happy, contentment, sadness and anger but it just didn’t feel enough until now as I have a broader ranger of emotions. Even to the point of having a sex drive (Tim is really happy).

At one point I sat there thinking and feeling sorry for myself saying things like “It’s not fair, no one knows what it feels like not to have a period and feel flat all the time”. But I realised that there were people that knew exactly how I feel, these people are you - the ones in my PC, the ones that have their own Blogs.