Saturday 17 December 2005

Balloon for fear #2

I’m scared, terrified, there is nothing that I can do to change anything. My mind leap frogs from one fear to the next, but I decide to put these fears away, they are doing no-one any good.

I’m sitting under a big tree on a rug the sun is shining the grass hopers are chirping, the birds a singing. When I look down I see this tiny deflated green balloon in my hand. I start blowing my balloon and each breath is a different fear:
- The hcg levels won’t rise
- It’s ectopic
- There’s just an empty sack
- I will miscarry
- There will be no heart beat
- I will get Toxoplasmosis (from my cats)
- I will need a D&C to remove it

I tie a knot at the bottom of the balloon and then tie a piece light green string, I let go of the balloon but hold onto the string. For some reason the balloon is floating in the air.

I get up and walk a short distance to a clearing away from the trees. I look up and there is not a cloud in the sky but there is a small breeze. I’m hanging onto the piece of string with all my heart. I stare at my hand, willing it to let go, my heart starts racing. All of a sudden I just let go, the balloon slowly rises, it almost feels like it doesn’t want to leave either. 

I feel a huge gust of wind ruffle the skirt I’m wearing; my hair is in my eyes for a split second. I loose sight of the balloon, I search the sky frantically for the balloon. It is there in the distance now, I watch it get smaller and smaller.

“Did this help” I hear a voice inside me.

“I don’t know” I whisper back.

Thursday 15 December 2005

OMG

I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.

I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.

I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.

Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.