Saturday 26 February 2005

My Husband

My Mimi may not be the best looking bloke in the world and he may not be the kindest, romantic, ideal husband that woman desire. But he is my match, just right for me.

I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.

He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.

I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.

I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Not doing too good

My b/t results were not that good on Friday my oestrogen levels rose from 218 to 222. Not happy Jan, so we increased the dose to 150. Next b/t and scan is set for Thursday, so we will see if there is a large enough follie present. My fingers are crossed for a 19-20mm follie present, but given that my levels are not doing what they should be I don’t know if I will be lucky enough.

On Friday I went and saw J (Kinesiologist) and took along all my meds. She put Metformin on my chest and asked me how I was feeling on the medication. I replied honestly that I was feeling shit and suffering at night with cramps and diarrhoea. She then asked me why was I taking it if I was suffering so bad with it, my response was to tell her that I take it cause I asked for it to be prescribed to me but also I was hoping that it would help regulate my cycles.

Well she knocked it off my chest quite violently, that I was surprised, shocked really and basically said well stop it and don’t take it anymore, my body is screaming at her that it doesn’t like it and doesn’t need it. So I decided to follow her lead and stop taking it.

I’ve been very naughty with the whole diet thing; I’ve eaten bread and foods with sugar in it. I also Pizza a twice in the two weeks that I saw J. This time around every few seconds she kept on asking me “Do you want to loose weight?” I said, “Of course I do”, she then says “Really! OK!”.

This went on for the whole hour session; we talked about my eating habits and this was basically our conversation:
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no bread”
Me: (sigh) “Ok no bread”J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no sugar”
Me: (sigh) “Ok no sugar”

I then went on to ask her about natural sugar found in fruit and pitta bread. Fruit is ok but just because pitta bread is flat it is still bread. So no bread what so ever, in passing she mentioned salt and I (stupid stupid Mari), told her that I use a lot of salt. She got all excited and then said:
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do”,
J: “Then no salt”
Me: “What no salt as well, your joking!”
J: “Do you want to loose weight?”
Me: “Yes, I do, but”
J: “No buts, No bread, no sugar, no salt”
Me (almost in tears) “Ok no bread, no sugar, no salt”

I spent most of the weekend looking for foods that I CAN eat, working out what I can have for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There is not much that I can eat for breakfast, nearly all the cereals out there have sugar and salt. Since I saw J, I have that fucken question come up all the time in my mind “Do you want to loose weight?”.

YES I FUCKEN DO, SO BACK OFF!

Thursday 10 February 2005

Cave

I’m want and crave my cave today, I’m not having a good time of it all atm. I’m very moody, wanting to snap at people but I really want to be left alone.



Yet again I have another headache, I wish, hope and am praying that this means that my period will be showing up soon. The headache is currently growing from a slight throbbing sensation to a needle piercing probe in my temple.



I don’t want to take anything for it, but I know that I will have to, if it starts affecting my sight, then I’m going home (I’m at work atm).



I’ve been writing this post for most of the day and right now I just want to run to the ladies and close the door and burst into tears, well not really tears but big great slobbering sobs.

Where is my cave, I just want to crawl into my nice warm dark cave and just sit in a corner it a nice tight ball and just rest, sleep sob even. I hate having to wear my mask today. Can’t I just crawl please into my lovely cave of oblivion for the next few days?

Saturday 5 February 2005

Update

I went for the b/t yesterday and 15 vials of blood were removed. As I was driving home I thought that I probably should’ve copied down the type of tests that were being done. Sometimes I hate hindsight…wish it could be foresight!



I don’t know exactly what tests are being done, but I will ask for a copy of the results. I don’t want to hear “All looks ok”. I want to know what looks ok, what specifically was tested.



I went to my first Kinesiology body balance thing, don’t know how else to describe it. It was weird and also refreshing. But I do have a slight headache from it, is this normal I wonder? She said that I was in autumn and that I was hibernating, hiding from something and that I was lost. She will be helping me to understand and work on this with me.



She helped me with my back pain and also said that my body is so out of touch with itself that it doesn’t realise that there are things that are wrong with me. I took all the medication that I’m on (that is, Metformin) and those that I will be on once I start my next cycle.



I’ve been given some homework to do:

* No Bread

* No sugar

* No Pizza after work

* No take away

* Do my crafty ‘arty’ things

* Go dancing

* Have fun

* Be content



My next appointment with her is a fortnight from now and I’m determined to stick to my homework.



Still no sign of my period and I really hope that it arrives on the 8th of Feb, I’m sick of waiting and I just want to get started again.