Last Thursday I went and saw both the Kinesiologist (J) and the GP (Dr K) many things were discussed with both of them. I felt much better after seeing J all empowered and my fist were up and I was ready to take on my weight issue and infertility. Come on, bring it on! Then my world comes crashing down to reality, I’m still NO Closer!
During my meeting with J she said that there was a deep fear within myself that was somehow hindering me having my Bobim. Fear…hmph what could I be scared about? I lay there thinking that maybe I was scared that I would be a bad mother? No that wasn’t it.
I was then asked, “What would happen if you never had a child?” With that question it seemed as though she had turned on a tap, I could not stop crying. This was it, I was scared that I would never have a child and thinking about it now it is true. I’m terrified that I will have my Bobim and that all the injections in the world will not help me.
J then asked me what is my life purpose, what would my life be like with out a child? All I could say after sobbing and blubbering was “But I want one”. J then said that she knows that I want a child but I need to prepare myself for the fact that I may never get the chance and what would I do with my life.
Now I don’t know if I believe her but J said that if I don’t let go of my fear then it will never happen and that I have to find my life purpose. “Find my life purpose” I thought “how the hell am I going to do that?”
My homework for the next 3 weeks is:
* Love life
* Find out what my life purpose is
* Love, care for and guide myself
* Stand up for myself (whole other post)
* Be more strict with my diet (No BSS)
* Let go of my fear of never having a child
* Stop worrying
I have no clue how to go about doing most of the above, how do I stop worrying? How do I let go of my worst nightmare? Do I just accept that I may never have a child and then it will happen? Will letting go of my fear make my periods more regular? I have a medical reason for why I can’t conceive naturally I don’t ovulate.
I just don’t understand how being grounded, balanced and loving life and finding my purpose in life will help my ovaries produce eggs and then help me keep a pregnancy?
I also am pissed off…and have started the Why game…Why is it that I have to do all this stuff, yet some fall pg at the sight of a penis. If anything I feel right this minute angry damn fucken angry and extremely resentful. I’ve coped well enough up until this set back. I had decided to take a break for AC and work on my weight and at least get the ball rolling. But finding your life’s purpose just seems that it will take so long. I hate who I am right now as I don’t want to feel resentment it is not a positive feeling.
Wednesday 30 March 2005
It's all about me
Tuesday 29 March 2005
All too hard ATM
Just a quick one to let all know that I'm struggling at the moment with TTC, TTLW, No BSS, visitors and with life in general.
I will post soon but just can't bring myself to get started. Something has to give...and I think that it maybe my sanity.
I will post soon but just can't bring myself to get started. Something has to give...and I think that it maybe my sanity.
Friday 18 March 2005
First day back
It was my first day back at work today and I worked myself up so much this morning that I was in tears having breakfast and I had the shakes all the way to work.
Luckily I met a fellow work colleague on the Train and was able to chat to them and catch up on the gossip. But I still couldn’t stop the anxiety of walking onto the floor and sitting at my desk.
I just knew that these questions would be asked:
“How are you?” said with a concerned look on their face,
“Are you feeling better?”
“What was wrong?”
“Better keep away from me as I don’t want your germs!”
I still sound like I have a cold so a lot of people thought that this was the reason I was away. We have a standard meeting every morning at 9am and in there one guy very innocently said to me “You wouldn’t believe how many people were sick like you, this week!”
I sat there stunned and just smile and nodded “Really I say” but in my mind “Hmmph, they didn’t have what I had”.
But mostly I told the truth to everyone as I felt that honesty is the best policy. Some I just let them think what they thought but others I just said “I had a miscarriage, this is my third one and I’m not coping very well.”
It seemed those that I told treated me very differently I was left on my own, others came and asked if there was anything that they could do. But mostly I felt relieved to get it out in the open. Some also shared their sorrow with me and I just told them that I just couldn’t talk about it with them as it was still so raw.
It helped a lot that I had Bugsy on call and was able to email her through out the day with updates and my vents, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the day without her being there.
Monday I have a meeting with my Project Manager and Department Manager regarding my hours, I’m already stressing out about that meeting.
Luckily I met a fellow work colleague on the Train and was able to chat to them and catch up on the gossip. But I still couldn’t stop the anxiety of walking onto the floor and sitting at my desk.
I just knew that these questions would be asked:
“How are you?” said with a concerned look on their face,
“Are you feeling better?”
“What was wrong?”
“Better keep away from me as I don’t want your germs!”
I still sound like I have a cold so a lot of people thought that this was the reason I was away. We have a standard meeting every morning at 9am and in there one guy very innocently said to me “You wouldn’t believe how many people were sick like you, this week!”
I sat there stunned and just smile and nodded “Really I say” but in my mind “Hmmph, they didn’t have what I had”.
But mostly I told the truth to everyone as I felt that honesty is the best policy. Some I just let them think what they thought but others I just said “I had a miscarriage, this is my third one and I’m not coping very well.”
It seemed those that I told treated me very differently I was left on my own, others came and asked if there was anything that they could do. But mostly I felt relieved to get it out in the open. Some also shared their sorrow with me and I just told them that I just couldn’t talk about it with them as it was still so raw.
It helped a lot that I had Bugsy on call and was able to email her through out the day with updates and my vents, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the day without her being there.
Monday I have a meeting with my Project Manager and Department Manager regarding my hours, I’m already stressing out about that meeting.
Thursday 3 March 2005
Heres one for ya No BSS
I stood on the scales this morning and it was a kilo and a half lighter…WOOO FUCKEN HOOOO!!
The pain and the hardship of nearly two weeks paid off. Although I felt guilty of adultery, like I was not honest with my lover. I had eaten Pizza and KFC and not told no BSS, and it amazed me that I lost that much weight.
To celebrate I went and had toast with coffee that contained really sugar, almost putting the whole kilo and a half back on with one meal. I looked No BSS in the face and said “Huh FUCK YOU, I’m going to eat this!”.
I did I happily ate my breakfast now I have this going on in my head:
Little voice: “Do you want to loose weight”
Me: “Yes and I did” (replying with a smug look on my face)
Little voice: “Then why did you eat BSS (bread, sugar, salt)?”
Me: “Cause I wanted to” I replied with my confidence and gusto.
Little voice: “But you realise that all your good work has gone to waste”
Me: (snorts most unladylike) “No it hasn’t it was just one meal”
Little voice: “We will see, are you sure you want to loose weight”
Me “Yes, I do” I reply meekly sighing.
Not so Little voice: “Then NO BREAD, NO SUGAR AND NO SALT…GOT IT”.
Me: “yes I got it” shuffling my feet and looking down like a naughty child
Me: “But I did have orange juice, freshly squeezed” Hopeful smile playing on my face
Little voice: “Hmmph you think that the juice will redeem your sins?”
Me: with a look of utter disbelief “Oh get over yourself it was just breakfast”.
Best Purchase Ever made
I can’t remember if I mentioned this previously with No BSS in mind I went out and bought a juicer, one of the ones that you can put a whole piece of fruit in it and juice comes out. To date it has been the best purchase that I think that I have ever made.
Sure it take time to clean up, but I don’t care the benefits have out weighed the little work that it requires for it to be kept clean. I love my juicer, I think that one it may replace my mimis place, but not until I have our baby. I shall from this day forward refer to my juicer as Jazzy Jay.
The pain and the hardship of nearly two weeks paid off. Although I felt guilty of adultery, like I was not honest with my lover. I had eaten Pizza and KFC and not told no BSS, and it amazed me that I lost that much weight.
To celebrate I went and had toast with coffee that contained really sugar, almost putting the whole kilo and a half back on with one meal. I looked No BSS in the face and said “Huh FUCK YOU, I’m going to eat this!”.
I did I happily ate my breakfast now I have this going on in my head:
Little voice: “Do you want to loose weight”
Me: “Yes and I did” (replying with a smug look on my face)
Little voice: “Then why did you eat BSS (bread, sugar, salt)?”
Me: “Cause I wanted to” I replied with my confidence and gusto.
Little voice: “But you realise that all your good work has gone to waste”
Me: (snorts most unladylike) “No it hasn’t it was just one meal”
Little voice: “We will see, are you sure you want to loose weight”
Me “Yes, I do” I reply meekly sighing.
Not so Little voice: “Then NO BREAD, NO SUGAR AND NO SALT…GOT IT”.
Me: “yes I got it” shuffling my feet and looking down like a naughty child
Me: “But I did have orange juice, freshly squeezed” Hopeful smile playing on my face
Little voice: “Hmmph you think that the juice will redeem your sins?”
Me: with a look of utter disbelief “Oh get over yourself it was just breakfast”.
Best Purchase Ever made
I can’t remember if I mentioned this previously with No BSS in mind I went out and bought a juicer, one of the ones that you can put a whole piece of fruit in it and juice comes out. To date it has been the best purchase that I think that I have ever made.
Sure it take time to clean up, but I don’t care the benefits have out weighed the little work that it requires for it to be kept clean. I love my juicer, I think that one it may replace my mimis place, but not until I have our baby. I shall from this day forward refer to my juicer as Jazzy Jay.
Wednesday 2 March 2005
Disaster Night
That one word sums up the whole night…DISASTER. As a dutiful female going through infertility treatment, I mixed the Pregnyl 5000 early in the night. Getting it ready for my injection time of 8:00pm. But for some reason I couldn’t get rid of the air bubbles, so I left it until our injection time.
8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.
I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.
I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!
On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.
By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.
Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.
Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!
8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.
I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.
I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!
On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.
By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.
Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.
Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)