We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.
Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.
I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.
Sunday 24 July 2005
Thursday 14 July 2005
Do I hate my job?
Mimi seems to think that I hate my job, as I don’t want to be here. Last night as I was going to bed Mimi saw my face and guessed that I was thinking that I didn’t want to come into work today. That was true, it was exactly what I was thinking.
Then he says “If you are not happy with your job leave”. I tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with my job, I don’t mind the travel (I travel about 2.5 hours each day). I like the people that I’m working with and I do get quite a bit of job satisfaction.
BUT, in the back of my mind I feel as though I SHOULD NOT be there anymore, I should be at home with my baby. But I couldn’t say that to Mimi. What I did say was that I really needed a holiday, time away from work. It has been over 2 years since I’ve actually had more than 2 days off work, not related to illness or during the weeks off after my many miscarriages.
Mimi and I are going on holidays soon, first week in August and it is so long over due that I still find myself not motivated to go into work. Just because I don’t want to be here right now, does that mean that I hate my job?
Then he says “If you are not happy with your job leave”. I tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with my job, I don’t mind the travel (I travel about 2.5 hours each day). I like the people that I’m working with and I do get quite a bit of job satisfaction.
BUT, in the back of my mind I feel as though I SHOULD NOT be there anymore, I should be at home with my baby. But I couldn’t say that to Mimi. What I did say was that I really needed a holiday, time away from work. It has been over 2 years since I’ve actually had more than 2 days off work, not related to illness or during the weeks off after my many miscarriages.
Mimi and I are going on holidays soon, first week in August and it is so long over due that I still find myself not motivated to go into work. Just because I don’t want to be here right now, does that mean that I hate my job?
Tuesday 12 July 2005
Geekdom
A few years ago I met a girl at my work that I thought that I would never really be friends with. You know the type, the really weird girl with bad dress sense that floats around the office dropping sarcastic comments that no one really understands.
But something about this girl drew me to her and I started chatting to her on the train rides home. I then found out that we had a lot of things in common. We both read Sci-Fi books, played the same PC games, loved the same TV shows and movies.
Then one day on the way home I was questioned as to how many PC’s we have in the household compared to people, either working or non working. At the time I think the ration was 4:2 PC’s to people. The reaction I got was one that I didn’t expect:
“Just as I thought…you are a geek” she said whilst nodding her head.
Now being Mari I took it the wrong way and was very hurt by that comment. “Me a GEEK…NEVER”.
But this person whom also labeled herself as a Geek, loved the label thrived on being called that, this person whilst in my life for a short time, touched it profoundly. I know that I’m not full a pledged Geek member yet, but I love this part about myself.
So my question is to the people that read this…do you consider yourself a geek?
But something about this girl drew me to her and I started chatting to her on the train rides home. I then found out that we had a lot of things in common. We both read Sci-Fi books, played the same PC games, loved the same TV shows and movies.
Then one day on the way home I was questioned as to how many PC’s we have in the household compared to people, either working or non working. At the time I think the ration was 4:2 PC’s to people. The reaction I got was one that I didn’t expect:
“Just as I thought…you are a geek” she said whilst nodding her head.
Now being Mari I took it the wrong way and was very hurt by that comment. “Me a GEEK…NEVER”.
But this person whom also labeled herself as a Geek, loved the label thrived on being called that, this person whilst in my life for a short time, touched it profoundly. I know that I’m not full a pledged Geek member yet, but I love this part about myself.
So my question is to the people that read this…do you consider yourself a geek?
Confession time
I feel that I must confess about a few things, the desire to blog about it is strong and won’t leave me.
I’ve lied, will I go to hell? Possibly; But I’ve lied to myself and it is the worst crime I can think of. I went to all the trouble to get a letter from my GP so that I could go to Part Time hours, took a pay cut. All with the intention that I would use that time for good and not evil.
Well I’ve been uber evil, I’m a sloth, I lie about the reason why I can’t go to the personal training sessions. I don’t cook, the No BSS diet is out the window. I’ve reverted back to the old me, all because I just can’t be bothered.
I haven’t lost weight, in fact I’ve put on 2kg’s, but what is really funny is that I’ve seem to have lost 10cm every where.
I didn’t want to go but I went to PT session tonight and will be going again on Thursday, I feel guilty, retched. This whole “break” from OI and TTC was so that I could concentrate on “looking after myself”.
The truth came out the other day on the way home, when Ellie and Tina are here I’m the FABULOUS Mum, I cook sensible meals, exercise and won’t let them sit in front of the TV. I’m actually really active. Yet when it is just the two of us I revert back to Evil Mari (my nickname). Take out, sloth, depression become my domain.
I finally admitted to Mimi that when Bobim did come I know that I would be a totally different person, but until then I really DON’T CARE. There it is out in the world. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF AND I’M HAPPY WITH THAT!
I’ve lied, will I go to hell? Possibly; But I’ve lied to myself and it is the worst crime I can think of. I went to all the trouble to get a letter from my GP so that I could go to Part Time hours, took a pay cut. All with the intention that I would use that time for good and not evil.
Well I’ve been uber evil, I’m a sloth, I lie about the reason why I can’t go to the personal training sessions. I don’t cook, the No BSS diet is out the window. I’ve reverted back to the old me, all because I just can’t be bothered.
I haven’t lost weight, in fact I’ve put on 2kg’s, but what is really funny is that I’ve seem to have lost 10cm every where.
I didn’t want to go but I went to PT session tonight and will be going again on Thursday, I feel guilty, retched. This whole “break” from OI and TTC was so that I could concentrate on “looking after myself”.
The truth came out the other day on the way home, when Ellie and Tina are here I’m the FABULOUS Mum, I cook sensible meals, exercise and won’t let them sit in front of the TV. I’m actually really active. Yet when it is just the two of us I revert back to Evil Mari (my nickname). Take out, sloth, depression become my domain.
I finally admitted to Mimi that when Bobim did come I know that I would be a totally different person, but until then I really DON’T CARE. There it is out in the world. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF AND I’M HAPPY WITH THAT!
Monday 11 July 2005
No Tact
We had a lunch to celebrate my FIL’s Birthday and after we had finished eating we were just sitting there chatting when my SIL announces that she has news and that she is 9 weeks pregnant.
At that precise moment I felt this hand creep along my leg to grip my hand. I made all the right noises, and smiles whilst this hand was held mine in a kind of death grip. I asked all the right questions, pretended that I was ecstatic with hearing the news.
But really I felt sick, I wanted to throw up the meal that I had just consumed, the afternoon got worse from that point on. We didn’t stay much longer as the things that were coming out of her mouth were tactless and hurtful.
On the way home Ellie was asking Mimi if his sister even wanted the baby, she was saying things like:
“Oh you won’t believe how expensive it is”
“I hate it how my body is changing”
“Yes…It’s all about the baby now” (whilst rolling her eyes)
I really didn’t have time to think and absorb the impact of her news as we also had dinner plans with my Sister taking the girls home. For a 15 year old Ellie was very kind held my hand on the way home and to her house, made me laugh and generally not allow me to think about SIL.
But reality hit me this morning on the way to work and I can’t help feel but as the question WHY?. Why does my heart hurt like I’ve been shot in the chest…I can’t breath and I feel sick.
At that precise moment I felt this hand creep along my leg to grip my hand. I made all the right noises, and smiles whilst this hand was held mine in a kind of death grip. I asked all the right questions, pretended that I was ecstatic with hearing the news.
But really I felt sick, I wanted to throw up the meal that I had just consumed, the afternoon got worse from that point on. We didn’t stay much longer as the things that were coming out of her mouth were tactless and hurtful.
On the way home Ellie was asking Mimi if his sister even wanted the baby, she was saying things like:
“Oh you won’t believe how expensive it is”
“I hate it how my body is changing”
“Yes…It’s all about the baby now” (whilst rolling her eyes)
I really didn’t have time to think and absorb the impact of her news as we also had dinner plans with my Sister taking the girls home. For a 15 year old Ellie was very kind held my hand on the way home and to her house, made me laugh and generally not allow me to think about SIL.
But reality hit me this morning on the way to work and I can’t help feel but as the question WHY?. Why does my heart hurt like I’ve been shot in the chest…I can’t breath and I feel sick.
Thursday 7 July 2005
Many little things
Sleep
I’m finding it hard to fall asleep lately, I’m not sure really what it is, but my meditation methods have been eluding me of late. After tossing and turning I sometimes end up in the other bedroom, where as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m ok. I’m suffering from mind chatter and have always, been like that but I can usually control it, sometimes reading, knitting and cross stitching have helped but not lately.
Work
I’ve hinted to my Project Manager that I may need to go back to Full time. I hated having to say that as I’ve really become to love my Friday’s off. I can’t help the thought coming into my mind that one of the main reasons why Mimi and I are in this ‘spanner’ phase is because I’m getting a big kick up the bum because I’ve not really concentrated on what I should’ve been and that it loosing weight.
Weekend
I get to play Mum again starting tonight, as Ellie and Tina are coming over for the weekend. I love it when they are here even though they are not babies but teenagers, I love spending time with them. I seem to take more of an adult role when they are here, it is hard to explain but I change, I definitely become more a mother.
Some would feel that having them over would make it harder as it just shows what you are missing out on. But not for me, I’m more determined than ever when they leave.
I’m finding it hard to fall asleep lately, I’m not sure really what it is, but my meditation methods have been eluding me of late. After tossing and turning I sometimes end up in the other bedroom, where as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m ok. I’m suffering from mind chatter and have always, been like that but I can usually control it, sometimes reading, knitting and cross stitching have helped but not lately.
Work
I’ve hinted to my Project Manager that I may need to go back to Full time. I hated having to say that as I’ve really become to love my Friday’s off. I can’t help the thought coming into my mind that one of the main reasons why Mimi and I are in this ‘spanner’ phase is because I’m getting a big kick up the bum because I’ve not really concentrated on what I should’ve been and that it loosing weight.
Weekend
I get to play Mum again starting tonight, as Ellie and Tina are coming over for the weekend. I love it when they are here even though they are not babies but teenagers, I love spending time with them. I seem to take more of an adult role when they are here, it is hard to explain but I change, I definitely become more a mother.
Some would feel that having them over would make it harder as it just shows what you are missing out on. But not for me, I’m more determined than ever when they leave.
Monday 4 July 2005
The best place on earth (well one of them)
First time adding a photo of the place I would love to be.
Sunday 3 July 2005
A spanner
One of my favourite all time sayings is “A spanner in the works”, I don’t know where it originated but I use it all the time even at work. I guess that it means that when you think life, or a project is going smoothly a spanner gets thrown in, sometimes just to see how the project / people handle the situation and overcome the obstacles. Other times I think that life is just testing your strength, possibly character building?
This post has been named spanner as Mimi and I have been thrown a pretty huge spanner into our machine known as life. Last Friday, Mimi was told that the company was bought out by another company looking to acquire the Melbourne office. We weren’t that nervous as we figured that Mimi being the only one looking after the warehouse he would be set.
Monday they were told to write a letter detailing their jobs and duties. So being a good wife who knows how to sell on paper (as I do it almost everyday). I wrote Mimi’s letter with the confidence that the ‘new’ people would be blown away. Tuesday Mimi comes home to tell me that he didn’t get a position. Consequently that night we were going to an information session at a Computer institute as Mimi was thinking about a career change.
Wednesday Mimi gets told that he will be receiving a package including the full entitlements for the duration of his time at the company. The sum of money is irrelevant but we were a bit gobsmacked.
I feel as though I’ve lost control of my life and am starting to question just about everything, priorities, work, life, future, money and Mimi’s career. He has decided to go and do a Diploma at the Computer institute, which we really can’t afford to do on the one wage, especially as I’m on part time rates.
Luckily Mimi can go and work casually however it relies on the company calling Mimi and is unreliable. Times are changing with the uncertainty, I’m going to have to go back to full time working hours, which I knew that I would have to, but I always had this vision that it would be when I was pregnant or really ready.
I’m worried really worried, about the bills, mortgage and now the school fees, in the long term it will be worth while and it will mean a better job, more money in our pockets and the opportunity for me to stay home when bobim arrives. ATM I would have to go back to work as I earn the most. What I’m really worried about is that in August I will be seeing Dr New and I’m looking to start treatment ASAP, I’m terrified that we will not be able to afford an OI cycle.
Bobim is still our highest priority and I can’t help feel that she/he has been put on hold by this spanner in the works.
This post has been named spanner as Mimi and I have been thrown a pretty huge spanner into our machine known as life. Last Friday, Mimi was told that the company was bought out by another company looking to acquire the Melbourne office. We weren’t that nervous as we figured that Mimi being the only one looking after the warehouse he would be set.
Monday they were told to write a letter detailing their jobs and duties. So being a good wife who knows how to sell on paper (as I do it almost everyday). I wrote Mimi’s letter with the confidence that the ‘new’ people would be blown away. Tuesday Mimi comes home to tell me that he didn’t get a position. Consequently that night we were going to an information session at a Computer institute as Mimi was thinking about a career change.
Wednesday Mimi gets told that he will be receiving a package including the full entitlements for the duration of his time at the company. The sum of money is irrelevant but we were a bit gobsmacked.
I feel as though I’ve lost control of my life and am starting to question just about everything, priorities, work, life, future, money and Mimi’s career. He has decided to go and do a Diploma at the Computer institute, which we really can’t afford to do on the one wage, especially as I’m on part time rates.
Luckily Mimi can go and work casually however it relies on the company calling Mimi and is unreliable. Times are changing with the uncertainty, I’m going to have to go back to full time working hours, which I knew that I would have to, but I always had this vision that it would be when I was pregnant or really ready.
I’m worried really worried, about the bills, mortgage and now the school fees, in the long term it will be worth while and it will mean a better job, more money in our pockets and the opportunity for me to stay home when bobim arrives. ATM I would have to go back to work as I earn the most. What I’m really worried about is that in August I will be seeing Dr New and I’m looking to start treatment ASAP, I’m terrified that we will not be able to afford an OI cycle.
Bobim is still our highest priority and I can’t help feel that she/he has been put on hold by this spanner in the works.
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