What I love

I love my family

I love that my MIL and I are getting close again

I love my house, everything about it

I love my book collection

I love my DVD collection (at times I think that it is the only thing that keeps me sane)

I love the Internet

I love all our PC’s

I love technology it gives me the ability to keep in contact with relatives overseas

I love all the my cyber buddies that I’ve met on EB and the blogworld.

I love my pets

I LOVE my car

I love writing, whether it be letters, documents or blog entries, I express myself so much better on paper than I could ever in speech.

I love dancing, all types I still wish that I did Hungarian dancing, I miss it so.

I love that the one thing I inherited from my mother was her compassion and ability to walk in others shoes, (however on the flip side, I hate that I get hurt so much by people walking all over me).

I love my innocence and am proud that I know nothing about some of the horrors in the world, like crime and drugs …etc

I love my Hungarian heritage, I’m proud to tell anyone that I’m Hungarian, I may have been born here but my roots are there.

I love that I’m creative, painting, knitting and cross-stitching are things that I love to do.

This is a hard one, but I am grateful for this TTC journey, hard as it is, I’ve learnt so much about myself, my needs and it has brought Tim and I closer together. I would not have needed to reach out on the Internet to others and met so many lovely people. I would not have been given a chance to start my chest of dreams. I love that I’ve already bought so much for my Bobim. The saying “double edge sword comes to mind”.

A long time ago I went to a counsellor during a really rough time in my life where she helped me concentrate on those things in my life that are positive, after yesterdays post about all the things that I hate, I was very determined to write this post about the things that I love. By writing down all this it makes me grateful that my life is filled with so much good, even during this hard journey of TTC, I still have things to be grateful for. What a good start to a day huh?

PS: Nico – I will be receiving my blood test results today sometime and will post the results ASAP.

What I hate

I hate that I earn more than Tim; it means that I have to go back to work earlier after our (yet to be conceived) baby is born

I hate Monday and Wednesday nights, Tim is not at home and it is too quiet.

I hate that I have to inject myself on the nights that Tim is at school.

I hate that I have bruises on my tummy because I can’t inject myself nicely.

I hate that Tim doesn’t take me to Clayton Monash IVF on my blood test mornings anymore.

I hate that I have to be in at work today when I feel shit.

I hate that I don’t have any motivation to do any work today.

I hate that I’ve gone through 3 gonal-f pens without any sign of ovulation.

I hate that the Business have not taken time to read my Design document yet I’m expected to give quality feedback the first morning I arrived back from leave.

I hate the fact that I did give the feedback.

I hate that G earns so much money for doing nothing and gets away with it, I hate that he can claim his fucking 4WD on Tax when he takes the tram to work and gets away with it. (Just the green monster showing herself, but if I’m writing all the things that I hate, I may as well mention this one too).

I hate that I miss G and Zs more than they miss us.

I hate that MIL was all happy that SIL had her baby scan and how excited she is.

I hate that SIL feel pg before I did and I’ve been trying a lot longer than her.

I hate the years that I wasted on BCP and not TTC.

I hate that I’ve lost so many Bobims.

I hate the words, “Chemical Pregnancy”.

Tomorrow I shall do a “What I love” post.

Over reacting...a bit?

I just re-read my post and am wondering if I’m over reacting about the things mentioned. My adopted philosophy (or the one that I use…sometimes) is: “Will this matter in a year from now?” Umm…well no. Then I should just get over these little insignificant things and move on.

Annoying things

***Be warned a lot of swearing***

I’m not the type of person that deals well with confrontation, I would rather avoid any type of confrontation at all costs, however this characteristic has a major flaw I don’t tell people how I feel about things that are said of situations that occur. What a perfect place though to vent other than on my blog, where these people will not know what I say.

Dear Sister
One the main regrets that I have throughout this whole TTC thing is telling you in the first place. I told you as I thought that as you had been there to conceive Ellie you could offer some support or advice. But instead you ask me every fucken time we talk if I’ve got my period.

We Sis I had my period weeks ago and I didn’t tell you, as I don’t want you to know that I’m cycling. No one knows (other than my cyber buddies), not even Anyu. Why because you put way too much pressure on wanting to know each and every gory detail.

You are so tight lipped about everything in your life that now you are going to get your medicine back. I wish that you would just back off and leave me alone, when (you will notice I didn’t say if) I fall pregnant then you will know, but until then BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Dear workmate
I don’t FUCKEN care if you are the encyclopaedia of knowledge of our companies business. No one and I mean no one asked for you opinion. AND….AND..AND we have told you many many times that your work priority is completing the Physical Design, not looking for more errors. That is the Business’ job NOT YOURS.

I don’t want to hear anymore on defects / errors that you are looking at that are NOT assigned to you. YOU HAVE OTHER FUCKING WORK….go and do it. You spend way too much time of the phone, you but into every single conversation even others telephone calls. They are none of your Business!!!

I’m not hear to argue with you I’M THE LEAD FUCKING BUSINESS ANALSYT, you are meant to be doing what I ask you do to. Pull your weight and support your other team members, cause the way you are acting now you’re only trying to blow your trumpet with how good you are, but know one here gives a FUCK. We are all busy doing our work.

Food for thought

My morning ritual is to scan my favourite blogs to see if there are any new posts and then proceed to devour what has been written. I’m a bad lurker I rarely comment mostly because of my ill-conceived low self esteem issues. Basically I feel like I really don’t have anything important to say.

Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!

To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”

So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:

Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.

I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.

Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?

Balloon of fear

The only solution that I see for myself with this fear is to imagine that I’m blowing a balloon and every breath that I exhale is that fear, the blue balloon is filling with all my fear. I tie the balloon off and attached a blue streamer to it. I’m now standing in a valley with beautiful green tress surrounding me, a river is on my right and on my left are blue wrens playing in a wattle tree. I’m holding this balloon and it is a sunny day. 

I’m reluctant to let go of the balloon as it currently has a lot of power, “Is it as easy as letting go of the balloon that my fear will go with it?”
Perhaps not but it may help. Well I did do it last night I let go of the balloon in my thoughts. After speaking with my SIL about all the sessions with J, the thought just popped into my head and I said
“Maybe I should imagine that all that fear is in a balloon and let that balloon go”

My SIL freaked out and started getting really excited as this was one of their techniques used with Kinesiology. J has never used this technique with me before, so it was all new to me.

Has letting the balloon go helped? Kinda, when I think of not having bobim, I don’t get that stomach cramping all consuming fear. The fear is there just not as severe, I now see that I have other options in my life, they were always there but were pushed to the side.

I now that that my life purpose was to nurture and provide guidance to children whether they be my own or others. If I don’t have my own then there are many ways that I could still love and cherish children. But I won’t give up on the chance to have my own. I may start looking into the other avenues of having children in my life and perhaps I will feel better for this and not so empty.