Eyes wide shut

I had a minor freak out yesterday, after realising that I only have 26 more working days till I leave work to become a Mum. This idea totally freaked me out…“I’m leaving work to become a Mum….fuck when did that happen?”

I must be going through life with my eyes wide shut, during my IF / TTC time I never thought of being and staying pregnant…never thought beyond the next blood test, next u/s, and next cycle. So you can imagine my total shock of going to OB appointments where I have certificates saying I’m attending “For Management of Pregnancy”….Management of Pregnancy me…yeah right. I still can’t believe that tonight again I’m attending another pre-natal class; all the bruising in my arms indicated that I still pinch myself in disbelief.

If by now I haven’t got my head around being pregnant, imagine how I haven’t even had a wavering thought of the birth and life after. By attending the class, I feel as though I’m just going through the motions. I’m almost waiting for someone to run up to me with a camera saying “Candid Camera.”

Mimi just laughed at me when I was saying 26 more days till I leave work and then went utterly still and deathly pale. No, no, no it can’t be right, after so many years I can’t be leaving work to become a mother…..because that means I have to push this wiggly moving somersaulting thing out of me…..and responsible for a new life….and my dream finally coming true…can it really be real?

“Long deep breaths, long deep breaths….oh fuck…lush green fields, lush green field…oh shit that isn’t helping…little valley near a creak, little valley near a creak…OMG”

My first Mothers Day

I didn’t want to make a big deal but I did want it to be acknowledged that I am a mother, or one in the making. I didn’t want a big fancy gift from Mimi marking the occasion, what I did ‘need’ was a nightie to wear when in the hospital.

Most of the day was celebrated at my MIL house where SIL was also present. Our little nephew has grown so much and I got to have a little cuddle which I’m always grateful for. The day for me was just right, SIL and I had a really good discussion about many topics, but mainly about pregnancy, babies and family expectations. It was a good afternoon, it would’ve been better if my mother was in the country. I missed my Mummy that day.

Today

16th of May 1976 was the date and year of my birth. I turn 30 today, do I feel different? No, do I feel 30? No. It is almost just like another day.

I have no big plans to celebrate today, which my sister has given me non-stop grief. I don’t feel in the mood to celebrate with many people. I’m happy to celebrate with my husband on our own. After last years fiasco with G and Zs celebrations of my Birthday going haywire. I didn’t feel the need for a repeat.

The many past Birthday wishes have been answered and I couldn’t think of wanting anything else than being pregnant with my first baby on this day. That is the entire gift that I needed or wanted, I’m happy with having this little somersaulting miracle in my belly.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way before.