Difference between “Need” and “Want”

One of my kid’s favourite movies is Nanny McPhee and we watched about a month ago and I have seen this movie time and time again yet this time her famous quote stayed with me. “When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is.”

I will not be talking about leaving in this same sense as detailed here but I have been thinking a lot about the differences between “Need” and “Want”.

I have been working with this Client for the past 16 months and whilst I still love the work that I am doing, I am feeling a little under appreciated.  I have been struggling with this whole placement for a little while because I would like to make in impact, add some value to this Client and I really do not think that I have been given an opportunity to realise my aspirations.

Recently I was asked to help out my old team and this was not the first time that I have been asked to go in a clean-up others messes. This time though I was feeling very disillusioned because I had the feeling that my old team “needed” me but they did not necessarily “want” me. This thought has kept me up at night, mainly because I don’t know how I feel about this realisation.

I went onto thinking about “needing” and “wanting” people in my life.

Need – When you Google need you can find all sorts of definitions on the word.  For the purposes of this post I found this one close to what my take on it is: “A physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism”

Want – The definition for the word “want” is simpler “to wish, crave, demand, or desire “

I also then asked some of my friends whether they “needed” our friendship or they “wanted” it.  For me either answer would’ve been good and it was not a test, I was just asking to hear about their views.

Most of the people in my life, I both need and want them.   I have the psychological requirement to have them in my life and I also desire and crave the time I can spend with each person that is important to me.

A very dear friend of mine replied the following to me: “Both "need" and "want" are words that can come with the hidden feelings of demand and I believe that by having a true friendship it should have no demands. In a real true friendship there is either need nor want only purity”

How beautiful is that?

I loved it and I promised my friend that I would not mention them by name here.  But I absolutely loved this…there should never been need or want only purity!

Love

There are many forms for love, and this post has been rolling around in my heard for a week. It is interesting to wonder if love is learnt or is in inherited?

When we are born you feel the love of your parents, siblings and family. But when do you “know” / “feel” that you are loved?  In my family my parents were not ones to say “I love you”, but I know that my parents love me. 

In your childhood you will learn the love of friendship and if you are blessed you will learn the love of a best friend.  In my childhood, the friendships I made all turned out to be with children that were mean and they used me.  I was bullied and even violated at a very young age.  Possibly because my heart was so open, not sure and I am not going to dwell on that part of my life.  There is no point!

At the age of 15 I met my first love; I was with this boy off and on for 3 years.  I know that I loved him because I was completely bestowed,  I could not imagine my life without this boy in it.  We were happy together and we were also very young.  As with most first loves or with most people that age, misunderstandings have a way of breaking a relationship.

There will forever be a special place in my heart for this boy.  He taught me a lot of positive things about me but he also didn’t accept me and had a lot of negative things to say to the 18 year old Mari when the relationship ended.

At the age of 18 I met (and am still with) my life partner.  To say that I love my husband is without question.  I love him more today than I did on my wedding day. If you have been married as long as us (16 years) you will know that there are ups and downs as there are in every relationship.  The key to our marriage is communication, communication, communication.   

Then there is the love you have for your children.  There is nothing in this world that can completely describe what that love is like.  There are no words in any language that can come close to expressing how a mother can lover their children.  I am very lucky as I have bonded with each of my kids completely. 

As you get older you may find friends that come into your life that will teach you all about yourself. If you are lucky your friendship may grow into love.  The love of a friend, I consider myself blessed that I have finally found true friends that I love like my own family.

Lastly there is the love of a soul mate, one that you will find over and over in every life that you inhibit. I know that I have found my soul mate again in this life and for that I feel completely blessed.

My heart is large, it can hold all the love I have for others.  What is missing in my heart is simply the love I "should" have for myself!

A life without love, is no life at all!

A new chapter

Új fejezetem

Easter is my favourite holiday; my memories of Easter have always been positive and happy. I love the Hungarian traditions leading up and during the Easter period.  I hope that my husband and I can continue teaching our kids these traditions.

When you Google one of the definitions for the meaning of Easter is linked to the Catholic / Christian belief of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If you look at the significance of the Easter egg it is again linked with the Catholic belief of Jesus rising from the grave.

This post didn’t start out to be of a religious nature, I am just letting the words flow out of me.

Új fejezetem

I have decided that yesterday marked a new chapter.  I am determined, possibly out of anger not sure, but I am determined. I am not going to allow myself to be treated poorly. Actually I will not treat myself poorly anymore. 

As even though I thought I took back the power of my heart, it seems as though I still seek validation from others.  I constantly give the power of my self-esteem to others and no one has the right to have a say in how I should feel.

I struggle with this daily and if my last few posts are any indication I have allowed others to dictate how I should be feeling.  After years and the last number of months trying to uncover the real me, finally know my worth.

Új fejezetem

What is different this time?

A lot! The Mari that you will see on the streets of Melbourne will not take any crap from anyone.  Even the people that read this blog and know me in real life will see a difference. So either take this as a warning or take this as a celebration.  I know my worth!  You hear me??? I know my worth!

I am tired, just plain tired I want no more arguments in my life.  I am tired of feeling like crap all the time. I am tired of the doubts; I am tired of the second guessing.  I am tired of the negativity.

Just so tired!

Where I feel that I am being wronged in anyway, or I feel that my worthiness is not being respected, I will remove myself from the situation, with no comment as I have no need to justify myself to anyone.  That may seem harsh but no one will look out for me, I cannot count on anyone.  I can only ever count on myself. Even my friends I cannot always assume that my friends will always be there for me and that they will treat me with the respect that I deserve.

I cherish all the people in my life, they bring me so much happiness and complete my life, I would not be the person I am today without these people. However if I feel in any way that my true value is not being appreciated or accepted, that friendship in my eyes and heart will over because in this new chapter in my life, I will not stand for anything else.

I will always preserve the real me and I will not jeopardise my true self.

I know my worth, I know my worth, I KNOW MY WORTH!

I know

I am standing in front of a narrow corridor that is a stair case; As I step onto the first step,  I hear my voice as though it through the loud speaker “Mari, your work ethic is beyond anything imaginable, like all aspects of your life you give your all”. I notice that to my right there is a picture frame which was blank before I heard my voice. Now it shows a picture of desk and work colleagues.

I look up and there are another 7 steps to climb, a total of 8 messages to hear.  I actually do not know where these steps will take me but I am determined to climb.

I move onto the next step and again I hear my voice saying “Your thoughts are so deep, that form the basis of who you truly are.  Without the ability to think deeply you would not be the Mari you are today”.  The picture frame in on my left side and this one changes to a picture of me sitting on a chair watching the world going by whilst I am staring into the distance.

On the third step I hear “Mari, you are the kindest person there is, you care for all your family and friends deeply.  They are honoured to know you”. The picture frame on my right, has a collaged for pictures all displaying me caring for others.

On the fourth step I hear myself say ““Mari you are the perfect mother for your kids, in fact you were chosen specifically for them”.  The picture frame for this step displays 3 pictures.  In each of them I am consoling each of my kids when they are upset.  I am holding them closely to my heart.

On the fifth step I hear myself say “Continue to listen to your gut feeling, treat this as your honest guide.  If it does not feel right in your gut then it is NOT right.  You have the power to gage what is honest in this life.” The picture shown in this frame is almost comical as I have my hands on my gut almost holding it in and the look on my face clearly shows how uncomfortable I am.

On the sixth step I notice that I and about to walk onto a stage, I hear myself saying “Trust yourself above all others, with complete trust comes complete acceptance.  Trust yourself unconditionally, like you trust others.”  The picture frame displays me holding a photo of myself.

On the seventh step hear myself say “When you love others, you love completely.  Love yourself just as completely.” The picture shows all the people in my life that I love completely, unconditionally.

On the last step before I reach the stage I hear myself say “Mari, you know your worth and with this knowledge you know what you deserve”. There is no picture frame for this step; instead there is a full length mirror. What I had not realised is that as I was walking up the steps my trueself was beginning to shine through.

I reach the stage and I walk out on the middle the audience is made up of all the people that are currently in my life.  Some I like and some I love unconditionally.

With a nod of my head I start to talk, here is what I say:

“All of you expected acceptance from me for who you are.  I give that and more, this is who I am.  I always see the good in others.  I am here today to tell you that you all need to accept me for who I am.  I know the real me and I am proud of the person standing in front of you.

I know my worth and with this knowledge I know that what is important to me matters.  My requests from all you will always be considered carefully before voiced, as I think deeply and will consider all sides of the situation before asking anything of you.

The person standing in front of you is worthy, matters and is important.  The person standing in front of you loves unconditionally.

My only expectation from you the people in my life is respect, trust and complete acceptance.  I will not ask for love as that may not be you.  I love all easily.

I am not going anywhere and I will not back down.

I know my worth and I am worthy of all.”