Monthly Check in

It is that time again to check in with my goals, I really like doing this, checking in every month or so to see how I am going.  It helps to build on my motivation and seeing that I am making headway into my goals gives me a lot of encouragement:

1.    Financial stability

My Grocery bill has been reduced from $300.00 per week to under $200.00, I am not buying unnecessary items and whilst we still have variety it is not being bought all at once.  I am very proud that I have been able to reduce this!

With the respect of last week, I have brought lunch into work at least once a week, some weeks it has been twice.  Even when I had twisted my ankle I made sure that I brought something in.

I paid my first bill on the due date over the weekend and I have set up my Google Calendar to mark in the days that I need to pay bills.  This has started working and I hope that finally we will get on top of the debt that we feel we have.

The best thing about this goal is that my husband and I are talking about money for the first time in our marriage, with no arguments and no freak outs.  Tim can’t handle money very well and tended to freak out about how much was in our account. 

Just last night I set up the automatic savings into Tim’s account where it was $20.00 per week. Also just this weekend I finally too all my medical bills that had been lingering to get the money back from Medicare and my Private health fund.

So let me recap my short time were:
1. To start paying all my bills on time. - STARTED
2. To start taking lunch into work once a week - COMPLETED
3. To save $20 a week initially and then build up to $100 - STARTED
4. To reduce our take away / fast food diners to once a week - COMPLETED
5. To merge all our superannuation into one fund each. – NOT STARTED

80% of my goals already achieved, so happy about this!

2.    To nurture the friendships I have in order to ensure that they are life long

I have set up the times that I need to call my friends on my calendar and already tried to call Lj to touch base.  I hadn’t received a call back but that is ok, at least I made the first move and NOT sat around and waited, like I would have.

I spent the weekend away with Zsuszi which was just awesome and felt refreshed after that glorious weekend.  Now I just have to keep the momentum.

I haven’t had the conversation with Ambar if this is something that he wants me to do, call him once a month to catch up.  At this stage I am not really sure where I stand with this particular friendship.

3.    To remove the remaining doubts I have with regards to worthiness of friendships

I saw my kinesiologist about 2 weeks ago and she helped me with remove the physic hook properly this time, I was not doing it correctly.  Since them I have felt much lighter and instead of being consumed every hour with doubts I may only doubt once a day.  I am no longer consumed with the reoccurring thoughts of “what did I do wrong”, “what is wrong with me”, “I will never be good enough”. 

I just finished reading “Inside the Other Side: Soul Contracts” and I am continuing to read “The Power of Now”.  Where I learnt to just stop the spiralling thoughts, when I feel that they are starting to run away from me I stop and concentrate on the moment.  Listen to the sounds around me, watch the trees dancing in the wind.  Look for the beauty in the environment I am in. 

I don’t seem to be aware of how much my thoughts run away from me.  I don’t seem to be aware of how often this happens to me.

It is when my thoughts spiral away that the doubts come in, because the thoughts are never positive.  It is the negativity that runs and jumps to conclusions, makes assumptions and causes me so my internal pain.

Reading these self-help books is what really helps me.  As I read I learn and put into practice some of the lessons that resonate with me.  Perhaps I am becoming a “Self-help book junkie!” Not sure.

4.  To respect myself

My Kinesiologist was right this goal will be my biggest hurdle this year. But I am determined to show more respect to myself.

I have requested a meeting with the Business Systems Analyst Manager just today to request the ability to work from home once a week.  The reason for this is not to “take the piss” on the Client but to balance my work and home life.  I want to be able to take Jordy to School in the mornings and pick him up at 3pm.  By reducing the Before and After school care, will also be saving money.

By working from home I will also be saving money as I won’t be using public transport and I won’t be buying lunch.  I have worked from home in the last few months every now and then and have been able to prove that I can still deliver the quality that the client is expecting.

Plus I believe that I deserve the right to work from home after all that I have given this client, I already go above and beyond and knowing that I will be putting in more than 8 hours a day.

So I have not been doing this for myself and will put steps in place to ensure that this month I do or plan the following:

. Schedule in “me” time to once a quarter initially then once a month

. Look at myself every day in the mirror and say “Mari you are magnificent” (and mean it)

5.    To be healthy and happy with my weight

I have stopped reading “Freedom from PCOS: 3 Proven Steps to Naturally Overcome Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Insulin Resistance” completely.  I love books and I usually give all of them a benefit of the doubt.  Actually there have been times where I have started reading a book, hated it.  Put it aside and then years later picked it up and read it again.  I am about 60% through the book and just find it hard reading and the same message being delivered over and over. 

I know that I will go back to it eventually but right now it is still on my kindle and will remain until I can bring myself to continue with it again.

I have implemented eating something every 3 hours, even on the days that I do not bring lunch into work I take in a morning snack and afternoon one.  Last week was a bad week for me and I didn’t take anything in, it was just a bad week overall.

My plans with Water Aerobics were put on hold as I had badly twisted my ankle.  Once I have stopped wearing the ankle brace then I know that there will be nothing holding me back from jumping into the pool.

Water continues to be my main source of intake for thirst.  As I have already mentioned, last week was just an off week.  But I have not allowed one off week to undermine my progress.  So water buddy is back in swing!

After my last post where I checked in, I started the Insulite pills and within 3 weeks I had my period for the first time this year.  I know that these work for and I know that my period become regular with these pills.  My only concern is that they cost $250.00 per month and it is money that I just don’t have right now. Perhaps it is something that I need to bring up with Tim.

I also know that the key to losing my weight and becoming healthy is with the Insulite pills and following a High protein diet. I have not weighed myself and maybe I should to see if I have moved anything by simply drinking water.

I am pleased with my progress with my goals and am excited that I am taking the steps to finally break the cycle of negativity!

This is what is it all about!

I went away with just this past weekend for Labour Day and we went with another family. G, Zs and their two beautiful girls.  We had not gone away just the two families for years and I am still glowing for the glorious time we had.

There was a time when walking back to my cabin from theirs that I felt overwhelmed and the thought that kept on coming back to me was “This is exactly what Best friendships are meant to feel like”.

There was no judgement; there was plenty of laughter and lots of love and talking.  Zs and I even though we were playing cards we stayed up until midnight talking nonstop.  There was no push for conversation.  There were no arguments; there were no accusations and there certainly was no hard feelings felt at all for the last 3 days.

What I have with these people are exactly what best friends are all about!

G is my brother from another mother and Zs is my life long best friend.  At one point during the weekend, Zs was comfortable enough to say to me that I come across as “cold” in text messages.  It was never my intention to come across as “cold” because I always feel joy when receiving a message from her.  But I think that because I had been so burnt out but the text messaging wars of late that I was not my normal self when replying. 

The first day when we arrived Zs asked if I was upset with her because I never called her.  I quickly explained that I was so upset with myself that I had twisted my ankle and then gotten really sick just before the weekend that I didn’t have the energy to call because I was wallowing.  As they left us to unpack, I nearly burst into tears at the thought she believed that I was upset with her.  The next morning when I felt more human I preceded to tell her that she is my best friend, there is nothing that can change this between us.  Life gets in the way and it certainly has for me.  My concerns and my energy for another friendship have totally consumed my life and my other friends felt the cold shoulder coming from me.  That was a wakeup call I needed.

This whole weekend was exactly what I had needed, to be with people that have accepted me for who I am and all they expect is from me is to be myself.  There was another point actually the first morning when Zs and I were talking and she says “You are not talking, you are too silent, come tell me all your news”.  I realised that again I was waiting to be asked questions.  I quickly snapped out of it and started to share all that was going on in my life.

This was Zs, this is the person that held my hand as I was sobbing during my first miscarriage.  G on his first date with Zs brought her over to introduce us.  We have travelled together, we have been very drunk together, we have laughed and we have cried together.

This is what it means to have a best friend.  Not what I had been fighting to gain for over a year now. 

I gained a greater appreciation for the friends that I have over the weekend and a big dose of perspective.  I had it right all along the way, I want people in life that Want to be there and that accept me as I am and NOT have to define how I love them. 

With that I am done fighting, I am done proving to Ambar that I am good enough, because this weekend showed me that I am a magnificent Best Friend just the way I am. 

Shift in focus

Shift in focus

For once I am not going to post about myself.  This blog started out documenting my journey to conceive my first child and then I came back to document my journey with conceiving my second (which turned out to be my twin pregnancy).

I have not written about the kids for a very long time.  My home life and my kids have been good in the recent months so there has not been anything to really try to work out here in my blog.  So instead of concentrating on trying to fix and shift the negativity from myself I am going to celebrate my kids!

I have just reviewed my previous posts about my kids and the same words have been used over and over, I will try to not repeat them yet again.

Jordan

Jordy continues to be very sensitive and think that this is just him and he feels things very deeply (wonder where he got that from?). For example, if he wants to play with Rylie or Lilly and they don’t want to play with him.  Jordy will often take this to heart and will say to me “Mummy, no one wants to play with me”, whilst crying.

There is a love / hate relationship between Rylie and Jordy, they love each other fiercely but they also have enormous large fights.  Often we are just being referees to the “BOYS”. 

Jordy has grown very close to my husband and loves spending time together.  During school holidays he will often go with my husband in the “Big Truck”.  I miss my little boy though and have made sure that I spend time with him one on one.  Jordy loves sports and believes that he is a complete expert on Footy (AFL), even though we only really got into the sport as a family last year.

I have many photo’s of Jordy when he was a toddle sitting with piles and piles of books surrounding him; however surprisingly Jordy has quickly been able to grasp the concepts of mathematics easier than he has for reading books and writing.  But everday he is getting better and as parents my husband and I take turns to encourage him to read as much as possible.

Rylan

We call him Rylie as a nick name.  Such a reserved little man Rylie has grown into, he is also sensitive but doesn’t show his emotions as easily as his siblings do.  The other night Tim went and checked up on the boys as they share a room and found Rylie out of bed. He started to scold him for being out of bed, Rylie couldn’t explain to Tim why he was out of bed. So my husband gave him a little tap on the bum.

As I heard the smack I hobbled down (I have recently twisted my ankle really badly) to their room and find out what happened.  I found Rylie getting into bed and as I sat on his bed and touched him and gave him a cuddle he burst into tears.  I attempted to ask why he was out of bed and he was finally able to tell me through his heart wrenching sobs that he was getting a blankie for his older brother.  Just that morning I had done the washing and Rylie had helped me with getting all the kids blankies to wash.  Rylie was so hurt that Daddy scolded him for doing something that was not wrong.

Needless to say Tim felt really guilty when Rylie came out and explained why he was out of bed.

This is how sensitive Rylie and shows how he tries to hide his feelings.  I am the only one he really shows them to, perhaps it is because I approach him with compassion and am always cuddling him.

Rylies worst fear is being left on his own.  If the three of them are playing in the back yard and Jordy and Lilly come inside for some reason Rylie will become hysterical and would scream the back yard down.  In a recent visit with the Kinesiologist we checked in with Rylie to see where that fear came from…can you guess where? Yep from me (but that will be a whole other post).

To help reassure my son that I would never intentionally leave him I had to do some deep reflection and I also took him aside, he and I laid on his bed and I proceeded to explain to him that basically I am at fault and I love him too much to leave him.  We haven’t checked to see if this has worked for him but I hope that one day he will be able to spend time on his own without that overwhelming fear he was experiencing.

Rylie is our sports man, give him any type of sport equipment and he wields it like a pro.  He took to swimming like a fish, it is so cute to watch him dive into the pool and duck dive under the water.  Unfortunately he is still a little too young to join the Junior Football club with his big brother but he only has to wait a year.

I do have some concerns with Rylie being ready for Primary school. One of the things I learnt when attending the “Are you kids ready for School” seminar before Jordy went to school was to gauge if the child has the ability to express his feelings when upset.  Even when wailing can your child explain to the Teacher what happened and what made them upset.

Rylie doesn’t do that yet, the other day my mother (she looks after the twins a day each week) asked him what he wanted to breakfast and because my mother didn’t hear him very well she gave him Weetbix.  Rylie sat there staring at the plate for 10 minutes not saying a word.  He has done this with us also just sitting there in silence until we try to figure out what is going on with him.  Usually it is one look from me and I am able to work out what is going on.  We are trying to help him to “use his words”.

Lillian

I have no idea where to start with Lilly and what to say that has not already been said before.  When I think of my daughter I think of “Love personified”.  She is LOVE in a tiny girl’s body; she showers everyone she meets with love from her heart.

The other day I had a very high fever and was not well at all, I was in the shower and Lilly came in and just stood there I told her to go but she refused.  As I stepped out of the shower and helped dry my legs. I was telling her that I would be going for a little sleep and her response was “I want to tuck you in Mummy”.  That is exactly what she did, she put me to bed, tucked me in and climbed up into the bed next to me and proceeded to stroke my forehead.  She could feel how hot I was getting so she got under the covers and cuddled me to get better.  How cute is that?

Once she saw that I was drifting off to sleep she quietly slipped out of bed and closed my curtains and door, every 5-10 minutes I would hear the door open and see her little face look over at me.  She was checking up on me to see if I was ok. This is my daughter, she cares deeply for everyone and is especially attached to me.

Everyone that meets Lilly instantly falls in love with her.  I introduced Lilly to Ambarish and they forged a very tight bond.  While Lilly allows others to hold her, if Ambarish is there she will go to him first. We took the family into the city to celebrate an Indian festival of Diwali which the kids loved hearing the different music and learning how to dance.   My greatest memory is that the first time Lilly ever saw fireworks was whilst being held in Ambarish’s arms.  She was squeezing his head so tight from the loud noise, a cherished memory indeed.

Lilly loves to dance and I started her in a class last year but for some reason either she didn’t like to the place, teacher or the kids.  Not sure because she refused to go.  However she knows all the top 10 songs playing on the radio and sings along to them all.  In movies if there is music playing she will get up off the couch and proceed to dance. 

Her prized possession is any dress that twirls when she spins, as these dresses “they work mummy”. She is such an easy going girl, sensitive and loves to cuddle but is just such a joy to have. 

I am certainly blessed to have these kids and need to appreciate them more than I do! 

My prayer

God,  take this over from me, I want to be at peace. This is not feeling good to me. I don't understand. Please help me. I want to.be at peace.