Tuesday 29 January 2013

To be healthy and happy with my weight


These two goals for 2013 are linked and the last ones that I want to set. They are not the toughest but they are linked to so many different aspects of me.

I am obese, this is true. I am not just over weight but I am morbidly obese.

It is time that I lay it all out on the line and not hide away from the reality, I have never done this before and my gut just behind my belly button is tight because I am nervous.

Here are my details

I am 161cm tall and weight 120kg’s.

My ideal weight according to the calculators is 65kg, but this is not what I am aiming for.

My goal for 2013 is to drop below 100kg’s.

Phew well that was not hard at all really!

How??

As I mentioned above my health and weight are all linked. I have PCOS’s therefore I do have a regular period.  My hormones are imbalanced and I have low self-esteem.  It is all linked, all of IT.  When I was pregnant both times I lost weight, simply because my hormones were working.  I didn’t change my eating habits at all.  But I lost weight.  I strongly believe that if I my hormones are working correctly then I will lose weight.

So why don’t I just go onto the contraceptive pill? The answer to that is I have tried the lightest dosage and found to suffer severely from migraines.

In August 2011 I found a website (link here) that claims that they PCOS symptoms can be reversed with the help of herbal supplements, diet and exercise.  This is exactly what I want to get back to be doing.  When I was regularly taking these pills my period came back.  I was losing weight without changing much of my diet.

In 2013 I will be doing:
. Start taking the Insulite  supplements
. Address my hormone imbalance with my diet
. Reading all books on PCOS.
. Finding my motivation team
. Loose 21kgs!

Finding my motivation team might seem as a weird thing to put down. In the past I have tried to do this all by myself and have not succeeded.  This time I need to surround myself with people that I know  and people that will not judge me that will support me through this journey.  I need encouragement and NOT judgement.  I need support and not criticism.  I deserve all this simply because I am Mari and I am determined to become healthy for myself.

Monday 28 January 2013

To respect myself


When I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression, I attended a group where we sat and spoke about the difficulties and feelings we were facing.  There were no egos or judgement from this group.  It was a safe environment where women like me could go and talk about all that was happening in their life.  I met Lj there and we have been friends ever since.

One of the most important lessons I learnt during that time was “self-respect”.  As a new Mum it was extremely important for me to spend time on my own.  To put my needs before my family doesn't sound right, does it?? It didn't for me either.  But as soon as I started to respect myself and say “No I will be doing this for me” the dynamics of the household began to change.

So where did I lose it?
Why did I stop respecting myself?

I got lost along the way and life just took over again.

I am a little confused when it comes to “self-respect” so I did what everyone does these days, I googled it and came across this article here. Step 2 “Practice basic respect towards yourself”.

So here are my goals for 2013:
. Balance work with my life
. The words: “I am a big fat bitch that is not important to anyone” has no meaning to me anymore!
. See the positive to every situation
. Not be too hard on myself
. Accept

The more practical things I can do for myself are:
. Schedule in “me” time to once a quarter initially then once a month
. Look at myself every day in the mirror and say “Mari you are magnificent” (and mean it)

I am determined, so determined that this year will be the last year that I suffer from anymore doubts.  I do not have any more energy to give.

Sunday 27 January 2013

To remove the remaining doubts I have with regards to my worthiness of friendships.

Again how do I measure this one at the end of the year? Could it be as simple as if I can say "I have no more doubts in any aspect of my life"? I don't know.

Let me recap at the end of 2011 I was working on all my self-doubts and worthiness issues:
. Work related
. Family related
. Self-esteem related

During 2012 I became to realise that my main hang up was related to my worthiness of a truly rewarding friendship. At the end of 2012, I no longer doubt myself when it comes to my career. I no longer have doubts when it comes to my family. I no longer have doubts when it comes to me.
Friendships, this is my last hurdle. In my previous post I mention how I will endeavour to nurture my current friendships. In this post I want to set some goals as to removing the doubts I still have. This post and the previous are tightly linked I believe.

I am worthy of a reward true friendship. A friendship where I am cherished and treasured, a friendship where I am accepted. A friendship where is unconditional love. A friendship that nurtures me as much as it nurtures the other person.

Every one argues it is a way of life. If we all agreed then life would be boring and we wouldn't be individuals. It is our uniqueness and individuality that separates us as humans. We have free will; this was given to us by God and separated us from the Angels. We all have a right to choose. Our choices, all choices have consequences. A positive and negative effect.

This year I choose to:
. Always be true to myself
. Accept that I bring a lot to a friendship
. Be honest with myself and my friends.

The following has no place in my friendships:
. Lies
. Arguments over insignificant nothings
. Careless thinking

I am worthy of friendships, I deserve, no scratch that I demand:
. Respect
. Acceptance
. Support
. Loyalty
. Unconditional love
. Honesty

I am worthy of the above.

The line in the sand has been drawn today, if I feel that I am being treated unjustly, then I will disconnect from that person. It is unacceptable to me that my questions that are important to me go unanswered. If you don’t want to spend physical time with me, which is important in any friendship and not just for me. Then I am done, cyber friendship are good when you don’t “know” the people in real life and I have a few cyber friends that I still am in contact with.  But if you know me in real life and don’t want to spend “time” with me.  Then obviously I am no longer important to you and I end up getting hurt.  I am worthy of having people in my life that want to spend physical time with me.

I am Mari, I feel deeply. I question (there is a whole post about my questions coming soon). I care deeply for all my friends. I love easily. I cherish all and treasure everyone.

What will I do to remove the doubts:
. Believe
. Accept all as they are
. Support
. Respect others
. Cherish, treasure 
. Most importantly I will love.

Where you have a bond forged in love and acceptance then nothing can break that bond

Friday 25 January 2013

To nurture the friendships I have in order to ensure that they are lifelong.


How do I even begin to measure this at the end of this year? I mean how can you measure if something has been correctly nurtured? I don’t know.

Perhaps what is takes is for me to have some goals so I can measure if I have met this Resolution.

When I think of the word nurture I think the different types of nurturing someone can do. The nurturing of a baby, and the nurturing of a garden.

The most important things a baby needs to thrive is:
. Love (unconditional love, cuddles and affection)
. Sleep (times to relax and rest)
. Food (in the form of breast milk or formula)
. Care (changing of nappies, bathing)

With a garden the most important things that it needs to thrive are:
. Good soil (a solid foundation that helps the plants to grow)
. All the 4 elements,( light, water, air and earth)
. Fertiliser (nourishment)

Like a friendship I believe that it requires certain things in order for it to thrive, perhaps these are expectations, not sure:
. Respect
. Loyalty
. Honesty
. Acceptance
. Unconditional Love

I have noticed of late that I seem to be waiting all the time, waiting for people to come and see me.

I will no longer wait and I am going to try to take more control of what happens in my life:
. Get in touch with my friends, at least once a week. Phone call, text or email.
. Ensure that I see my friends once a month or quarter
. Try to share more without having to be “asked” first

Wednesday 23 January 2013

Financial stability

I really need to set some goals here. If there are no real goals and I don't put them out into the world I know that it will not be achieved.

So here goes, my short time (to me the definition of Short time is between 1 week to 6 months time) goals are:
1. To start paying all my bills on time.
2. To start taking lunch into work once a week
3. To save $20 a week initially and then build up to $100
4. To reduce our take away / fast food diners to once a week
5. To merge all our superannuation into one fund each.


My long term goals (my long term definition is between 1 to 2 years) are:
1. Build up a savings account so that we can a family holiday
2. To fix our credit rating
3. To buy an investment property
4. To reduce our grocery bill
5. To be a smart buyer, that is to never buy anything at full price
6. Reduce our debt so that we live comfortably.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

What kind of person have I become?

It is time to lay myself open to the whole world. Be open and honest about the person I have become. I am not very proud of myself. To be honest I am ashamed and disgusted with what I have done and what I am doing. I can't even stand myself I am so disgusted.
I imagine that my soul had been blackend and is oily, nothing can remove this tainted part of my soul. I think that I have finally become my own nightmare and succeeded in isolating the only friend I had.
I have lost the true person I am and I have become too dependent on one person, my friend Ambar.
I can't even begin to describe what I feel for Ambar. To say he is my friend is an understatement. To say he is my best friend does not even come close. Nick my taxi driver describes him as my soul mate. I don't think that is right either. So he is more than just a friend, more than my best friend but not my soul mate.
As I said I can't describe it, all I know is that my feelings run deep.

But I have lost myself in this friendship. Today and last night because of what I have done. So much of my happiness is caught up, determined by him. I have become dependent on him. Me a grown woman.
Whilst there are two people in every friendship and even though Ambar isn't perfect he has always treated me with respect and integrity. The only thing that hurts and confuses me, is the lack of thinking. If you Ambar only sometimes thought a little about your actions then perhaps some of our misunderstandings would not be so dramatic.
I am not perfect, shit I am far from it. I will be first to say I am so far from being a decent human being right now.
I don't like regret and I regret a lot of what has happened recently.
My Christmas break should have been spent in happiness, calm and peace. Instead I can't remember a day that was not filled with arguments. The fault lies purely with me.
I push and push Ambar to admitt how he feels towards me, why? I am trying to work out with his words where I stand with me. It is important to me. This friendship is important to me.
I have all this history that I am competing with. His previous history with other people. He has years and years to build a solid friendship yet with me our time has been short. I am trying to build a solid friendship that will last when there is an ocean between us and he eventually goes back to India.
Perhaps it is this pressure that I place on us that causes all these misunderstandings. I should just trust and believe that this glorious friendship is meant to be. But how does one like me, the one that has been hurt crushed in the past believe? How do I know?
There is the saying "If it is too good to be true, then it usually is too good". How do I know that my feelings and regard is returned? How do I know that I haven't romantisized this friendship, that I haven't made it all up in my mind? That my feelings are returned? When our friendship is purely based on text messages?
Ambar would be the first to say that I have to just simply believe. Also I just have to remove the doubt.
Perhaps I can't bring myself to believe. I don't know. Instead I push and test this treasured friendship and in the meantime all my energy is being focused on the wrong person. It should be focused on me but instead I am worried about my friendship.
I even compare myself to other girls in his life. Me a 36 year old woman comparing myself to some 20-something girls. He praises all his friends highly and is solid in the relationships he has with them. Treats them all like treasured, cherished friends. Yet I notice that with me his behavior is different, perhaps that part is in my head only. I don't know.
I even try to prove to him that I am worthy of his regard and friendship. I have done things for him that I have never had the courage to do for others. Yet why do I still feel like a second class citizen? Why do I still feel that after all I have done has been a waste of time?
The question coming now to me are from my analytical side it is why I am so good at my job. I have to ask myself have these things that I have done for Ambar have they been reciprocated? The answer is "kinda". The next thought that I have is, I don't do these gestures and things to have them reciprocated back to me. That is not the reason I made soup and drove to his place to give it to him, for example.
Then Mari what are you waiting for? What do you want? Perhaps it is simply that I don't feel appreaciated. All that I have given and done has made me step outside my comfort zone and made me vulnerable. I try to show how much I care. Yet this caring is not entirely reciprocated.
Spending physical time with a person is important to me, whilst still in Australia I have requested numerous time to please spend time with me. The effort we spend now I believe will form and cement the foundations of this friendship. Walk along the path with me is what I have asked.
Yet this small request just seems so hard for him. When we were working together we spent a lot of time together. We still work on the same project and we are finally back in the same building and yet I don't see him. It is now the 22nd of Jan and I have been back to work for 3 weeks and we have not seen each other. Not even a verbal Happy New Year. Perhaps I am too old school. I don't know.
This really bothers me, but not him. Ambar believes that because we text every single day (over 100 messages a day) then it is enough. Perhaps he is just a lazy friend. Perhaps if it is so important to me I should take control and make the effort to spend physical time together.
"Mari, why do you always have to give and give? If you were important to him, he would want you to spend time together. But because he doesn't that means you are not important". These are the thoughts that come to my mind. They the trigger all these other nasty negative thoughts and I spiral out of control.
I just don't know what more I can do and I don't think I have any more energy to give.
What have I become? I feel as though I am a teenager eager for some attention from a guy. In essence I have lost Mari.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Hello 2013

I am nervous about entering this year!

I am wary of what is waiting for me to test my resolve.

My heart can no longer take the constant pain, I will not stand for it any longer.

All doubts, any doubt is no longer acceptable!

What I want to achieve out of 2013 (there will be a post on each of this items where I specifically set goals):
·         Financial stability
·         To nurture the friendships I have in order to ensure that they are life long
·         To remove the remaining doubts I have with regards to worthiness of friendships
·         To respect myself
·         To be happy with my weight
·         To be healthy

My eyes and heart are open to all that the universe will provide me.