I forgive myself

I forgive myself for the friendship with Ambarish, I knew at the start of it that it would not last long but I pushed and ended up hurting myself in the end.

I forgive myself for the state of my body.  Lying on the Osteopaths table I was ashamed at how I had disrespected myself. 

I forgive myself for my ego, for too many years I have lived in my mind instead of living as my true self.

I forgive myself for misusing “I am” and telling myself that I am (or have) PCOS, I am unworthy.

I forgive myself for sabotaging my relationships with my grieving nieces.

I forgive myself for not honouring the gift inside me.

Forgiveness does not happen in your head until it happens in your heart!

Mari – you are absolutely and unconditionally forgiven! 

Book / CD Review - Secrets of Manifesting (Wayne Dyer)

I recently listened to the 5 part CD collection of Secrets of Manifesting and these were the points I jotted down whilst on the train:

• If you really wish to accomplish something, you first have to expect if of yourself
• Pam McDonald – APOE Gene
• Friends are God’s way of apologising for our family
• Self-actualisers are independent of the good opinion of others
• When you are god, you don’t ask for things to happen you insist that they do
• I am god in action
• By simply saying “I am NOT”, “I can NOT”, “I have NOT”, you are knowingly or unknowingly throttling the great presence within you.
• You need to stop judging; once you forgive then your manifestations will work
• The power of awareness - book
• Use your imagination to help manifest and say to God today “I AM THAT”
• I AM GOD
• An intention without conviction is a waste of energy
• Conviction is another word for faith
• You can be a host to God or a hostage to your EGO.

The last point was the biggest take from this whole CD collection.  I am sure that if I were to listen to it again then I would get a whole different list.

Morning Pause

Picture this:

It is 6:55 on a cold autumn morning and you finally got the kids out of the house and you are rushing to drop them off, first at before school care and then kinder/child care.

The kids in the back of the care are bickering, whining and screeching. Your oldest child in the front in sighing and you can feel the tension radiating from him.  If that wasn’t enough to grate on your nerves, your ego mind is running a commentary “You are going to miss the train”, “Why can’t you leave the house on time?”, “Why is every morning the same rush?”, “What is wrong with you?”, “This is all your fault for dawdling and pulling Oracle cards and playing with your crystals instead of getting ready” and then finally “You are worthless”.

To add to all this stress for some reason there is a lot of traffic, so rushing and driving fast won’t help you today!

So here you are sitting in traffic, feeling really crap about yourself and your kids and grating on your nerves, and you can just feel the frustration and anger building.  You are trying to not lash out at the kids but you feel that the anger is just about to burst out of you. 

Then you notice the grass at the side of the road.

BANG!!!

The whole world stops, as you notice the small patch of frost on the grass.  So instead of yelling at the kids you say “Look at the grass, Jack frost was busy last night”.

Your outburst was meant with a pause of complete silence. 

Happy twittering and chattering occurs while the kids explore the beauty of your surroundings. You then notice the different coloured leaves on the trees, you look at the wondering autumn flowers blooming. 

This is what happened to me a week ago and since then our mornings are filled with wonder as we watch “the tress that look like they are on fire” change colour and enjoy pointing out to each other our other discoveries. This morning it was the fog from the lake down the road and seeing fog on a field of grass.

Do I miss the train?  Sometimes but I know that there will be another one soon.

Was I late? No

What I have learnt was to take a morning pause and enjoy the beautiful world that we live in, instead of worrying that I would miss this or be late for that.  As soon as my focus shifted away from where I was going and what time was going to get there, everything flowed. The traffic lifted, the kids were dropped off with little fuss.  I had a perfect car park at the station and as I got to the platform the train was pulling into the station.

So anytime you feel yourself getting frustrated and ready to burst, take a pause and look for something beautiful in that moment and it can be anything, a sticker on car, tree, and bird, anything that will give you that pause.

Crystal Alchemy

I attended my first natural therapy workshop on the weekend, which was all about Crystal Essences, I am only now able to really think and talk about what I experienced.

The setting was calm and intimate with only 3 of us in attendance and I was privileged to be welcomed into my Kinesiologist's (Daniela Grincevicius) home, such a beautiful environment. 

I learnt all about the different essences that you can purchase, these range from flower, bark, crystal essences to angel essences (Yes that is right Angel essences) just to name a few.  I am hooked, and I know that there will be much more purchased in the near future.

The best part of the day was making my own personal crystal essence with a specific intention.  My intention was to heal my hormone imbalance, specifically to heal PCOS. The fun that we had playing with all these crystals! Even now I am fighting back the tears of pure joy.

I picked every crystal that I wanted to cook in the super charged water and I set out my second ever crystal grid, with these lovely oracle cards!  At one point I was holding Ajoite and felt my eyes welling up.  The whole time I was working on my grid I was so emotional and spent a whole time fight back the tears.

Here is a photo of my work:

The last part of the cooking process was to use a sounding bowl, which I had never done.  I just couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and I cried the whole time.  The thought that was going through my mind was “Mari it is your time now, Mari it is time to heal now”, over and over.  Just an absolute powerful experience that I have goose bumps thinking about it!


I am deeply and profoundly blessed that the universe arranged itself that I would attend this wonderful workshop.

EDITED:

I published this post yesterday and it has not been sitting well with me because I have not been 100% honest and the whole point about my blogging is to face the truth, in order to let go and move on.

I didn’t post all the photos that I received from the workshop, so here is one that I wanted to talk about:

The main reason I didn’t post this was because I was ashamed and embarrassed, for the following reasons:

1. I was embarrassed that I cried in front of someone I met just that day.

2. I know exactly what I was thinking at the moment that photo was taken, “Please don’t cry” I was fighting back the tears at this point

3.OK this is a tough one – but the person in this photo is not me.  The real Mari is hiding under a massive amount of layers and I love the person inside.

I’m always shocked when I see myself in photo’s or catch a glimpse in a window as I am walking past because in my mind I do not look like this and I am taking steps within my life to change my own perception and finally show the world the real me!

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed with the response to my previous blog post. For me it was a natural thing to do, write about what I had learnt and heal as I do it. This is what my blogs are about; yes I have more than one.

I started my first blog after I found out that I had a common medical condition PCOS (poly-cyctic ovarian syndrome) as a means to tell the world about my struggle with falling pregnant.  At the time I was appalled that I had never heard about this condition before and it was common!

I am grateful for my struggle with infertility because it was something I had to go through in order to have my wonderful family. All my 3 kids were conceived with fertility treatments along with kinesiology healings.

Over the years that blog morphed into a celebration of my pregnancy with Jordan, my experiences of being a new Mum, my struggle with Post Natal Depression, my joy at conceiving Twins and then finally my spiritual journey.  It was only recently that I split the two blogs one relating to family and the other relating to my journey.

I keep the blog posts as a reminder of what I go through, because once the words are out of me, written and posted then it is all forgotten. I’ve had these blogs for 10 years it is my way of healing and I love to write.

Only recently in a kinesiology session with Daniela, I blurted out “I would love to be an Author, I can see myself writing and publishing books as my living”.

Right now as I am tying that post the vision I had that day is still exactly the same and just as strong.  The beauty about working with Daniela was that she got my idea in an instant and was able to tap into something I had not even realised, as her calm reply was "Isn't it interesting that you are already living your dream of a writer without knowing it".

Wait…what?

Yes that is right I already write for a living.  This is why I love being a Business Analyst, but I didn’t even know why I loved my job.  It was because every day I have the opportunity to peruse something that I love to do…write.  At the moment I may write requirements specifications, and project briefs, but this is a form of writing.  I also didn’t realise that I am already a published writer; you are reading my published works on the internet.  I have written and published my own blog for 10 years now. 

I already have an outline for a young adult fantasy trilogy that I considered as my hobby. I also have an inspired self-help book outlined that is itching to get out of me.

I am grateful for all the comments and personal message I received from my previous post because it just reiterates that my dream of being an author of a book is something I can and will achieve.


The difference between the past 10 years and now…is that this time I choose to share my previous post on Facebook and not just blogger.  Was that brave? I don’t even think that it matters, if I was brave or courageous, to me it just felt right that it was time that I share my work with the people I know on Facebook.

Healing the 11 year old Marika.

Just so that I don’t confuse you, Mary and Maria in Hungarian are the same name; those that are named Maria have a nick name which is Marika.  On my birth certificate I am Maria, my family call me Marika. Maria is a family name on my father side, my Grandmother, an Aunty and her Daughter (my cousin are all Maria, but are known as Marika). My true self however is Mari and that is the persona I choose to show the world.  But in order to do that I need to heal Marika.

This blog post has come from yet another wonderful balance I had with Daniela this week. It seems as though I am ready to take the next step in my healing journey. Yes I cried… again. The thought that one day soon the real Mari will be shown to the world one day soon is a little daunting. BUT it is time. Mari's time is now.   

But before Mari can be revealed the past needs to be healed and let go, and this is where Marika comes in. Marika has taken an emotional beating for too long. I am grateful so grateful for the lessons and for Marika battling all those years.

Here is a picture of me at 11 years old, I am on a train in Hungary and this is where it all began.

I take the hand of little Marika, she Maris a skinny wee little thing and she shaking with fear. I lean down and hug little Marika and say “It is going to be OK, we can let go now, but before we can let go we need to remember…”

Marika is in Hungary, she travelled there with two friends and a mother. But essentially she has been sent to her family by herself. Marika spends time with all her Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins from her Dad’s side and her Maternal Grandmother.

She loves all her family and enjoys spending time with each and every one of them. She is proud that all these family want to get to know her. She is excited to be staying in the house her father was born in, there is real. History there!

Marika especially loves her Aunty Marika (Marika néni), as she introduced her parents and told all the wonderful stories for her father’s childhood because they were closets in age and shared a special bond. Marika néni was married to a wonderful man named Lajos but little Marika knew him as Loli bácsi.  The nick name was perfect because he was as sweet as a Lolly.

Together they indulged little Marika with treats and love. Imagine an 11 year old half way around the world on her own and here she is hearing about her parents and getting to know a completely different side to her father. How blessed was she?

11 year old Marika would also spend time with her Grandmother (Nagymama) and whilst it was wonderful it was also boring and filled with negativity.  Nagymama did not like her Father and would often berate him for taking her Daughter all the way to Australia. So as an 11 year old little Marika was subjected to nastiness about a father she adored.
                         

During her visit Marika néni had minor surgery and 11 year old Marika was to stay with Loli bácsi nothing wrong in that right? Wrong.

Nagymama rocks up on their doorstep demanding that 11 year old Marika come with her right then and NOW because Loli bácsi was not family. She went onto accused Loli bácsi of unspeakable acts that may occur all in front of 11 year old Marika.

Nothing other than complete love, gentleness, laughter and happiness ever occurred.  This was a man that climbed into the attic to retrieve his daughters doll house so that 11 year old Marika could play with. This was Loli bácsi that made her laugh simply by his wonderful wit. This was a man the treated little Marika like his own daughter.

There was no choice in this situation other than little Marika leave with Nagymama and be subject to more hatred and negativity.  Little Marika was scared though at the adult themes being introduced to her.

That was the point in that that it all started it was then that Marika started putting weight. It was then that she ate to hide and protect herself.  This little girl could not understand what was being said. All her Father’s family spoke loving about her Mother. Yet her Mother’s own Mum was so nasty.  She was frightened.

Dear little Marika, it was wrong for Nagymama to say those nasty things to you. It was wrong and a lie. She was just jealous because Nagymama could see how much you loved Marika néni and Loli bácsi. This was not your fault you were your true self. Love personified just like our future daughter.

We need to forgive Nagymama because she knew no better and she did what she thought was right.

Little Marika you no longer need to be scared of the love you felt for Marika néni and Loli bácsi. You no longer need to hide your true self. Nagymama attacked our Father because she was jealous of the fact that our Mother had a better life. Nagymama didn't hate our Dad, not really she was just unhappy with her life. She had four children, one in London, one in USA and one in Australia the other lived in the same country but rarely visited her. She was unhappy and lonely and selfish because she wanted you all to herself. This was her issue and not yours.

Forgive and let go little Marika, it is time you join back with to me (Mari) our true self.

Here is a photo of what I looked like when I arrived home.  At that time I remember constantly being hassled because I had gained 6kg.  At the age of 11 I was already being teased and told by my family that I was fat.... do you see a fat child here?  I don’t!

The Secret Garden

In an attempt to absorb self-healing messages, I’m reading ‘The Power of Now’ (by Eckhart Tolle), ‘E-Squared’ (by Pam Gout), ‘I can see clearly now’ (by Dr Wayne Dyer) and ‘The Magic’ (by Rhonda Byrne) all at once. As I am reading these I’m also being inspired to make changes along the way.

I feel as though I am bombarding myself with messages and inspiration from different sources and confusing myself at the same time.  I decided to stick with one book from a Genre and complete it before moving on.

One of the fascinating lessons I recently learnt and implemented was from ‘I can see clearly now’, where Dr Wayne Dyer is talking about ‘The Secret Garden’, and how every afternoon at school the teacher would read from the book. Dyer then goes onto explain how that book left a lasting impression on his imagination and how he would often dream imagine being in his own version of the secret garden.

Inspired, I obtained a copy of the movie ‘The Secret Garden (1993)’ one that I remember watching as a child.  Recently I introduced this movie to my children, and we all fell in love. Our favourite scene was:

Colin: Are you making this magic?

Mary: No, you are.

Colin: Just like in the story.

Colin: It's like the whole universe is in here.[Pointing to his chest]

Mary: I'm certain it is.

Colin: That means I could marry you.

Mary: What? But we're cousins!

Colin: I don't care. I want us always to be together.

Mary: We are together.

If you look past the innocent yet incestuous part of the dialogue above, there is a powerful message.  ‘The whole universe is inside us’. I stopped movie at this point and discussed the meaning of those words and my kids got it.  They understood the meaning!

After the movie was over and I was cuddling my twins who were crying because they loved the ending, I asked them “Where is the universe” and all three of them pointed to their chest near their heart and confidentially said “Right here Mummy”.

Thank you Dr Wayne Dyer for inspiring me to bring this movie / book / lesson back into my life, it may have taken me 37 years to ‘get the message’ but I did and more importantly my children know.  

Lessons everywhere

I work from home once a week which I am eternally grateful for, it took me a long time to get to the place where I knew that I was worthy of this request.

I have come to love working from home and Tuesday are my favourite days.  The opportunity to work from home allows me to strengthen my relationship with Jordy and his teachers.  I take and pick Jordy up from school and just this year my in-laws have agreed to look after the twins on Tuesdays as well. 

A few Tuesdays ago I picked Jordy up from school and his teacher came out to tell me that he had been acting up in class.  That is wriggling on the floor and not listening.  Jordan even got that upset that he crawled under the table in anger and no amount of coaxing would make Jordan budge.

This is not the first time this situation has occurred and deep down I knew, just knew that I had not healed this situation for myself and that is why it was coming up again.  I knew that this was both our issues but is was more about me rather than Jordan.  So I tried a different tact.

On the way home from school I kept quiet, I was not angry at Jordan I was attempting to be open to my feelings so that I could approach it in a positive manner.  I did tell Jordy that we would be talking about what happened at school that day.  We have recently introduced a “talking rock” which was recommended by my awesome kinesiologist.  It is a Rose quartz and we cleanse it after each use.

We sat on the couch facing each other and I started asking Jordy questions about what happened.  Basically Jordy got up twice to put items away, once in his tub and the other time in his bag.  All the teacher saw was Jordy running here and there.  The teacher asked Jordy to sit on the floor (as punishment) and Jordy did but his friend asked him to come over to talk, so the teacher saw that Jordy had not listened and raised his voice.

Jordy told me he felt that it was unfair that he got into trouble when there were other kids in the class that were mucking around and didn’t get into trouble; this is what made Jordy upset and crawl under the table.

I patiently listened to what he had to say and then it was my turn to hold the “talking rock”.  I started by saying how I completely understood what he said to me and that the reason he wanted to put something in his tub and bag was to ensure that he didn’t forget it.  This is what I do, I do things NOW before I forget, but I live too much in my mind (whole other post on that one).  I then told him how I understood how frustrating it would be to feel as though the teacher was picking on you when your other friends get away with mucking around.

This is where my healing came in because I then asked Jordy to imagine being the Teacher Mr Sebestyen the Grade 2 Teacher.  I then asked him to imagine a classroom of 27 kids and it was the day to give out the spelling words for the week.  Mr Sebestyen is writing the spelling words on the whiteboard and turns around to talk to the class  and there is Thomas running to his tub.  You think nothing of it and go back to the board but the next time you turn around Thomas is running back from his bag.  You ask Thomas to sit on the floor because this is learning time and not running time and running between tables is disruptive to the other students. 

You trust Thomas to listen to you because you know that he is a good kid but the next time you turn around Thomas is talking to his friend and this makes you quiet upset. So you raise your voice to Thomas and you are shocked when you see that Thomas has crawled under a table.

Jordy was very shocked with my story because he now understood what it looked like to be in the teachers shoes.  So I then started asking Jordy some questions, what do you think the teacher would say if you had “asked” to put things in your tub and bag giving him the reason that you didn’t want to forget.  He couldn’t answer. I said that the teacher would either say “no not right now” or” yes Jordan you can do that now”.  But until and unless you ask the teacher cannot read your mind and understand what your intention was.

I worked from home the next day and went to pick Jordy up from school.  The teacher told me that this boy was completely different from the previous day and he was amazed at what I had done.  I told him it was not me but all Jordy.

On the way home Jordy was so excited and happy about his day.  I was saying to him that he had a choice, we could both be like we were yesterday slumped in our chairs, sad and silent; OR we could be so happy that you want to jump up and down from the excitement.  We spoke about the differences in the day and how Jordy participated in the Class room, helped the teacher, answered the questions and how much more fun his day was.  I was so happy for him because it was all him.  He did this change, not me I just provided the different sides to look from.

The best thing my son said to me was “Mummy I want to be happy everyday at school".

My Nieces – What did I do?

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

I know my worth, I learnt that last year. So why was I allowing my nieces to treat me like a punching bag.  I was you know, allowing them, I even told Tina in a text message “I am allowing you to treat me like a punching bag, because you are grieving and I know that this is what you need right now”. I gave her permission.

I decided to honour my spirit and take the permission away. I know my worth and you do not treat me like this.  I know what I have done for my nieces in the past. I started justify my past actions as proof of my love for them. But I caught myself, if they know my worth like I do, why would I need to justify myself? It was obvious in that moment that they didn’t know my worth, didn’t respect themselves enough to respect me. 

So I decided to cut the ties and let my nieces go.  Ellie didn’t believe that I loved her and Tina doesn’t forgive me, wants nothing to do with and says I have never been there for her. Your wish is my command.  Mari is no longer in your life. 

I still love them with all my heart, what is different now is that I love and respect myself more! I am empowered and once the decision was made I felt a big shift occurring within me and within my life.

The most important part was that I am NOT debilitated from the act of letting go.

I can’t sit here and say that I am happy that they are not in my life.  Part of me is sad, I didn’t get the chance to celebrate Tina’s 21^st Birthday.  Ellie didn’t visit the twins on their 5^th Birthday. My nieces have to clean their parents’ house and settle the estate without our support.  They will get engaged, married and have children of their own and I may not be a part of that. 

As I have mentioned before, I am reading lots of books and watching a lot of youtube video’s.  This is what has stuck with me:

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different. Letting go of the past, so that it does not hold you prisoner.

My Nieces – the ugly truth

I don’t know where I should start; this post has been knocking around in my head for a while now.  I have tried to put aside what has happened and let go. Obviously it has not worked, hence the reason for this post and it has been a long time in coming. 

**Edited to say – this is a tough post and will be long. But I need it out, it is time that I let go and I heal from this pain**

My heart breaks for Ellie (aged 23) and Tina (aged 21) in a month they have lost both their parents.  I have no idea what they are going through; I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to lose parents so young.

With the death of my sister, it triggered a huge healing within our lives.  For example, my mother and franks mother have not spoken in at least 10 years.  At Ildiko’s funeral they walked arm in arm to the burial site.  For me personally, I took a long to time to write her Eulogy and felt that there was great healing in those words. 

With the passing of my sister, all the past wrongs, misunderstandings and hard feelings were all buried with her.  They left my life as I stood up in front of a sea of faces and told the world how much I loved my sister and wished her well in heaven.

A month and 2 days after my sister passed, my brother in law also died, surrounded by his daughters and clutching a photo of Ildi.  The morning of Franks death, Ellie had texted me asking to pick her up so that she could spend some time with my Mother and the kids.  By the time I was ready to pick her up Ellie was on her way to the Emergency department for due to a sever panic attack. 

I dropped everything as soon as she told me she was going to hospital.  I literally threw my kids at my mother in law and then proceed to fly to the hospital. I do not remember the drive there because all I kept thinking was that I just needed to get by her side.

At the time I was working closely with the CEO on a high profile Client project and I had deadlines to meet.  But I put work aside to be there for Ellie, I would do it again in a heartbeat, she needed me and I dropped everything, literally everything to be there for her.

After receiving velum and calming down she was discharged.  I stayed with her the whole time and even called Tina to let her know what was happening.  I will never forget seeing Ellie like that and hearing her words, she was shattered and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain.

Ellie and Tina were trying to do the best that they could in a tragic situation. I felt that this was the time that you rely on the support of your family.  They were getting the support but it was only from Franks parents, and my family were being pushed aside.  My mother didn’t help the situation very much because she kept on airing her grievances with me. 

My mother is grieving, Ellie is shattered, Tina is trying to be strong for the first time in her life stepping up to be there for her sister and putting others needs before her own, there here I am being and becoming the punching bag for my family.

After another tearful phone call from my mother saying how Ellie and Tina have never once brought their boyfriends over to her house and how they are continuously over at Franks parents place with the boyfriends. I cracked and sent a text message to both Ellie and Tina, requesting that they show my mother the same respect that they are showing Franks parents. I was tired of taking on my mothers jealousy so I pushed that message to the source, my nieces. 

Was it right that I send a message like that?  I don’t know, and it is too late to say yes or no, because I did send it and there was some truth to that message.  BUT that message was bred from my mothers jealousy and that is never a good thing.

When you know better you do better!

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

That text message was sent the day before Frank’s funeral and honestly in that moment I thought I was doing the right thing.

When you know better you do better!

The message I received from Ellie was one of hurt and of justification.  I attempted to call her to explain but she ignored all my calls.  Hung up on me and eventually turned off her phone. I must have called her 20+ times that day. I was left feeling like crap, my Ellie was not talking to me and tomorrow was her Dad’s funeral.  I didn’t even know if she wanted me there, if she even needed me because she was not answering her phone!

The message I received from Tina were full of malice and were abusive.  She accused me of never being there for her in her life and she was clear in her words that she wanted nothing to do with me.  That I could “fuck off and leave her alone” were her words.  I tried to explain that I had not been in her life since she disrespected me and my family by bringing police into my home.  But that I had always loved her. 

In my messages back to Tina I mentioned that I forgave her for the past and I attempted to fill them with love and kindness, even though her words were like a baseball bat beating me down.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

When she told me that she will never forgive me, I thanked her, because I was thanking her for this lesson. 

When I got to my mother place after work that day as she was looking after my kids, I was filled with anger and pain.  Ellie was ignoring me and Tina was abusing me, all because my mother dumped her shit onto me!  So I let my mother know what she had wrought and she read every single word the girls had texted me.  My brother also read every single word.  

So here I am at my mother’s house with the kids, the day before Frank’s funeral and I am livid and hysterical. Filled with pain and arguing with my father, mother and brother.  I did not want to go to the funeral. There was no way I could go and face these girls that cut me deeply.  I was scared that Tina would see me and kick me out of the funeral home, or her boyfriend would do the same.

I left my parents’ house and they were not even sure I would be attending the funeral the next day.  I was not sure either.  

On the way home Jordy could see that I was very quiet and he asked me what happened and I told him “Mummy is upset because I made a mistake and Ellie will not pick up the phone so that I can say sorry and talk to her”.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  I asked him if we should call her one more time, he said yes and dialled her number, once again no answer.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  “I know Jordy, the problem is that it is Franks funeral tomorrow.  Should we go?”, “No way Mummy, she is rude”.  I was shocked this is coming from a 7 year olds mouth, from my little boy that LOVES Ellie.

With a heavy heart we still went, we knew that we would not be staying for the burial this time, it was going to be a 40 degree day and my heart could just not take it.  I just buried my sister 3 weeks previously.  When we arrived I saw Tina and her boyfriend out the front of the funeral home and I asked my husband if we could stay in the car until she went inside.  I was scared that she would take her anger out on me and throw me out.  So we waited and entered after she was inside. 

As we walked up, I didn’t look at anyone and just kept walking straight ahead until I saw my mother sitting in a pew towards the back of the chapel.  I didn’t think of anything other than getting to my mother and sitting down with my family.  No thought as to why we were not sitting at the front, it never crossed my mind.  I could see Ellie and Tina clearly and they were surrounded by people.  

My husband was adamant that under no circumstances was I to go up to Ellie as he got a whole run down of the previous days events. So instead of going up to her myself, my mother took Lilly to give Ellie a hug and a bunch of flowers.  I sent my daughter to Ellie to let her know that we were there.

That night, I knew that Ellie was flying to Bali with her boyfriend so I sent a text message hoping that she would find some time to heal on her trip.  She was hurt that I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

In the weeks after the funeral, both girls have sent nasty, mean and abusive messages to me.  From Tina she is saying that I disrespected her father by not sitting in the front pew at the funeral.  From Ellie it is that she does not believe that I love her because I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

I was left with a hard decision and life lesson to acknowledge!

What did I do?...stay tuned to the next post.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different

The true person

People show their true selves in many forms, it is what you choose to do with that truth that really matters.

It is in a touch of a friend on your arm when you are grieving.  It is the kind word, look for a dear friend when you are upset.  It can be the smirk of a person sitting in front of you when you are talking.  It is in their eyes when you are trying to say something important.  It is the words that they say to you when speaking. It can be an expression on a person’s face when they think that no one is watching.  It can be the words they use to describe themselves “I am a bad friend”, “I am a lazy friend”, “I’m not good at keeping in touch with people”, “I can be selfish”, “I have a short temper”, “I anger quickly”, “I have a big heart”, “My friends are important to me”, “I don’t make friends easily” or “I have a large mouth”.

It is important to be awake enough, be present enough, centered enough to listen to what people are really saying and showing of their true self.

I learnt this the hard way.

Six adults and seven children staying on a house together for a summer break.  The ages of the children range from 1 years old to 13 years of age.  It is a hot summer, sun shining, no clouds and dry heat.  The wonderful house is situated in a tiny river inlet which connects to a large river, with 3 families we have two boats that are used to waterski, fish, and simply enjoy a summer by the river.

It was explained on the first hour of arriving at the house that when the 1 year old sleeps no other children (or Adults) are allowed near the bedroom, just in case that baby is woken from her sleep. This rule was strictly enforced to the other six children. The children understood the rule and the other parents ensured that their children were kept quiet when the baby was sleeping. 

The oldest girl becomes quite ill for being exposed to the summer heat and not drinking enough liquid.  She suffers from heat stroke and the next day she spends as much time as she can sleeping, drinking and resting.

The oldest girl is finally asleep in the house and the other children have been kept occupied outside in a blow up pool.  The baby is awake and is making a lot of noise, crying, screaming and carrying on.  A 4 year old girl enters the house and starts calling out to her brothers.  The mother of that child automatically tells the child to mind her manners as her friend is sleeping as she is ill.

The mother of the one year old asks her friend why is there a need to be quiet, when it is explained that there is a child sleeping in the house, the mother of the one year old shrugs her shoulders and continues to play with the one year old.

What struck me in that moment was the profound disrespect that I witnessed with that “shrug” and her facial expression.  It was “I just don’t care if there is another sleeping child”. I was shocked, bewildered and angry for the disrespect that this woman displayed.

The memory of that shrug and facial expression will remain with me.  I am not deliberately holding onto a negative memory and the way it made me feel because I want to keep negativity in my life. There was a moment in time just a moment between seeing the shrug and the rush of feelings when I saw her true self and knew then that my friend was no longer required in my life.

I hold onto that memory as an example of when to trust my true self, my heart that what I was seeing was the truth.

A pause

I am devouring anything and everything I can get my hands on to help understand what is the Law of attraction and how to bring more positivity into my life.  Books, movies, audio tapes and youtube videos are my source of inspiration. I am watching youtube clips whilst I am working, listening and working away.  When I hear a message that I need to take note I have this word document open that I write phrases.

This was one such phrase from an interview between Iyanla Vanzant and Oprah:

When you find yourself in a new situation or circumstance in life experience.  Everything that requires healing is going to rush to the surface.  If you don’t take a minute to breath to gather yourself to pray, you will do what you have always done. So you got to be clear enough, grounded enough, centred enough to say “How am I going to handle this, this time”.  So the lesson is PAUSE.

What I find amazing is how the universe speaks to me directly.  About 2 weeks ago I was working from home on a Tuesday and I am working closely with a lady in Sydney.  I had been warned that this lady was  little difficult to work with.  I mentally shrugged off the concerns because I was now living the life on the secret path and was positive in all aspects of my life. 

So I thought.

I was responsible for completing certain sections of a document we were both working on and I was doing a brilliant job.  On this Tuesday I was happily working away as normal when this “difficult” person told me that she would be completing the same sections of the document but for a different vendor.  I was shocked and felt my heart miss a beat.

HELLO! BANG! SMACK! 

I sent a simple “ok” and tried to move on, because as I said I am walking the path of the secret and I am positive in all aspects of my life. My mind would not stop churning though and I decided to have a break and I went outside and sat on the step of the kid’s cubby house. 

My thoughts kept coming and most of the were positive. I was congratulating myself on a great job of not reacting, of being the bigger person and staying positive and for not trying to control my work.

So here I am mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done, for ticking off the “Yes I am being positive card” when I see this tiny little butterfly, I will never forget that moment.  This butterfly would've been the size of a 10 cent coin and it was a beautiful mauve colour with royal blue towards the body.  It landed 30 centimeters from where I was sitting.  It felt like the whole world had stopped in that moment.  All thoughts of work and the “difficult” person left.  So I paused, really paused and watched the butterfly flutter around my back yard.

When I went back into my study and reread the conversation I had with the “difficult” person, I felt happy and gratitude, in that moment I knew just new that I had finally stepped on to the right path because instead of being hurt or questioning “why” or trying to control or cracking the shits.  I truly let go and was grateful for the help.

Missing piece?

Reading and watching “The Secret” has literally changed our lives, it teaches you to live positively and simply ask for “what you want”.  Know that you are part of the universe actually it is more than that we have the same energy as the universe around us.  “God / universe” is within us.

Reading “The Magic” has taught me to live in gratitude for everything that you have in your life.  I haven’t finished reading the magic.

Daniela (my kinesiologist) recommended the Abundance 21 day course, where it has taught us how to remove the “clutter” that is within your house and within your life to make room for abundance and prosperity. 

Peace from broken pieces has taught me that no matter where you are in your life, your past issues will always present themselves for healing.  That the issues I am facing head on now are written in my DNA and were contracted before my birth.

It has been over a month since we watched “The Secret” I know this as Tim and I signed and dated the “The Secret cheque”.  We are living with the law of attraction, everyday we give thanks to what we have.

I have to wonder though if there is something more than the law of attraction, not that I doubt that the universe will provide.  I just have to wonder if our path is linked to being at peace with our lives. Tim said to me the other day “Until we get rid of all the negative relationships we have in our life, then the universe will not hear what we are asking”.  For me this rings very true!

I have to wonder if “the secret” team are aware that the law of attraction is not enough on its own.  That someone has to be open to receive, that the person has healed or is healing the past blockers.  If it is in the movie and the book then it didn’t get through.

But it will now.  I am so happy, bursting with joy all because I know my worth and have cut negative influences out of my life.

Books, books and more books

My husband’s best friend’s first girlfriend introduced the love of books to me, when she recommended that I read a Sci-Fi fantasy series.  I was hooked and fell in love!  Oprah when she first started her book club always said that you give a book 50 pages.  There have been books that I have purchased from my favourite author read the first 50 pages and put them down.  But generally I know what genre of books I like so it is rare that I read one that I don’t like.

My book shelf was overflowing and I even had many boxes of books in the shed when I bought myself a kindle, from bonus cash cards received from my employer for a job well done.  I love my kindle, I have 188 books on there and I have read about 70% of them.  I still occasionally by paperback books but mostly they are on my kindle.

I started of reading Sci-Fi fantasy about the worlds of magic, dragons, dwarfs, elves and humans.  Then moved onto magicians and time travel, I was heavily pregnant with the twins when a dear friend of mine lent me the Twilight saga.  They were my saving grace, my escape from the pain and discomfort of Braxton –hicks and generally being pregnant with Twins.  When Jordy was at child care I would be camped on the couch getting lost in those books.

That introduced me to the love of Young Adult Sci-fi, I still read adult sci-fi but my love is now YA. Most times I have 2 books on the go, one for the train and one for when before I go to sleep, which is usually some historical romance novel that I have purchased. I have always felt embarrassed about admitting to reading historical romance/romance, perhaps because it does have details sex scene that if filmed would be classed as porn. I just loved a well written story that makes me feel.

When 50-shades of grey came out and I didn’t understand what all the hype about that book was about because I have certainly read more graphic exploits over the years.  I saw past all the sexual details to the real story which was what kept me reading the whole series. 

In the past 2 years I have read “Self-help” books, and spiritual books. I have spoken about reading “The Secret” and “The Magic”.  Yesterday afternoon I finished reading “Peace from broken pieces” by Iyanla Vanzant, I have another post about an insight that is forming in my mind.

My mother was and still is an avid reader but she was not allowed to teach me to read when I was a child due to her strong Hungarian accent.  I know that I have inherited the love of books from her; it is a shame though that someone other than my mother first gave me a book and said “here try this”.

I am passing the passion onto my kids but this time I am breaking the cycle of neglect and sitting with Jordan (eventually Rylie and Lilly) to listen and be part of his journey with the written word. 

Friendship…the last step?

I don’t remember the year, but I do remembeponse fr the circumstance.  My Tim’s best friend was dating a girl.  They started dating before I met my Tim, actually I met my Tim through his best friend.  He was the catalyst for us being together.

I do remember that we were married at the time because I remember living in our house. 

So my husband’s best friend was dating this girl and my friendship with this girl was weird.  When I say weird, what I know now is that I would not have been friends with this girl if she was not dating My Tim’s best friend.  We got along, we made lots of memories together but really we were friends that became that way because we were shoved into a group situation because we both loved men that were best friends.

For some reason there was a falling out between this girl and myself.  The reason for the fall out was obviously not important because I don’t remember it.  What I do remember is that at the time, my Tim was still invited to his best friends place and he went a few times. 

So with the falling out between this girl and I, not only did I lose that friendship, I lost the friendship of his best friend, but my Tim didn’t stand up for me.  I was not invited, not allowed to go over to their place.  For some reason I became the “bad” person.

Fast forward to 2005 and a very similar situation occurred.  This time my Tim’s best friend was dating another girl and we had a falling out over DVD’s.  The difference with this girl was that I feel in love with her.  I just loved her honesty, her sense of humour and her heart. We didn’t speak for a year, the girl and I (over DVD’s), even after I had helped her find the location for their wedding, I researched places, booked appointments with reception halls.  Spent weekends driving her around to all the places.  I did all that because I loved my friend. 

So when we didn’t talk for a year it hurt me, but I always had faith that one day maybe one day we would work our way together and that faith paid off because we did come back together and the past 8 years was filled with happiness, joy, celebration and wonderful memories.

During the time that the “wives” were not talking, my Tim was again still invited to visit his best friend because he needed help moving house and once again I was the “bad” person, because I was again not allowed to visit and I was not invited over to their place.

When you know better you do better!

What I know now is that I allowed myself to be the “bad” person, because I didn’t believe in my self-worth and because I didn’t believe my husband didn’t believe, so he didn’t see anything wrong  with still going over to be with his friend and leaving me alone. Even at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it either, because I didn’t know any better.

This past Christmas break we went away together to a wonderful place.  The trip should’ve been joyful like it had always been. But the seams had started to unravel, because I was stepping into myself worth.  There was an incident during our trip where my friend accused my Tim and I for not looking after her child.  For allowing her child to go hungry, her child was continuing to only ask for her mother and my Tim and I were busy looking after our own 3 children. 

My Tim started to argue with her and it could’ve escalated to something significant.  But I put a stop to it, at the time I was attempting to just keep the peace as this was the second day of a 7 day trip. Now I know different.

The universe continued to show me signs, whispers as they say.  I just didn’t get it because I was not open to it.

Our trip ended up being stressful but also at the same time wonderful because the kids enjoyed themselves. 

Later in January this on Facebook my friend posted this picture:

It is a wonderful positive affirmation and the words are very true.  At the time my instinctive knew, I just knew in my gut that she did not post that thinking of me.  So what do I do? I thought that I was being cheeky in saying “Yes this is you and me”. How wrong was I, that 

I didn't listen to that voice! I got no response for that message.

When you know better you do better!

Yesterday my friend decided to not come over to our place to celeraate the twins birthday, simply because she was dieting.  Sure my initial invite was for a BBQ, but that is beside the point.  The reason being given to NOT celebrate my twins birthday was because they were on a diet they didn’t want to come over.

NOW

This finally was unacceptable for me.  For her the diet was more important than coming over and celebrating my twins 5^th birthday and because now I know my self-worth and because now I am awake and on the righteous path.

Yesterday many text messages were exchanged and I am so grateful for my lesson learnt.  I sent “What is typical is your continued belief that this treatment is acceptable.” She sent “Why are you like this? I feel like I can’t win with you.”  My initial response to that message was “Well I know that I will never be good enough for you”.  Just that thought…that thought that I know that I will never be good enough for her was my biggest moment and this has me so very excited.  I do know my worth and I am worthy of a fulfilling friendship and I am worthy of being a cherished friend, simply because I am me.

My dear Tim decided to step in and take responsibility, my initial reaction yesterday was “NO…NO NO NO I don’t want to be the “bad” person any more”.  I began to realise that I had allowed this situation to occur.  RIGHT then I remembered the times that this occurred with my Tim’s best friends girlfriend/wife and that my husband did not respect me enough to stand up for me.  This was not the fault of my Tim, this was my own self-worth screaming at me. 

So my Tim called his best friend and let him know that this treatment from his wife is no longer acceptable and that we would no longer be going away with them.

Now if that is not proof of his love me for then I don’t know what is! My Tim was willing to break a 20+ year friendship all because NOW I know my true worth.

Part of me is sad but I am not debilitated from the loss of this friend.  I am grateful for the friendship but more importantly I am grateful that I know my worth.