Monday 17 March 2014

The Secret Garden

In an attempt to absorb self-healing messages, I’m reading ‘The Power of Now’ (by Eckhart Tolle), ‘E-Squared’ (by Pam Gout), ‘I can see clearly now’ (by Dr Wayne Dyer) and ‘The Magic’ (by Rhonda Byrne) all at once. As I am reading these I’m also being inspired to make changes along the way.

I feel as though I am bombarding myself with messages and inspiration from different sources and confusing myself at the same time.  I decided to stick with one book from a Genre and complete it before moving on.

One of the fascinating lessons I recently learnt and implemented was from ‘I can see clearly now’, where Dr Wayne Dyer is talking about ‘The Secret Garden’, and how every afternoon at school the teacher would read from the book. Dyer then goes onto explain how that book left a lasting impression on his imagination and how he would often dream imagine being in his own version of the secret garden.

Inspired, I obtained a copy of the movie ‘The Secret Garden (1993)’ one that I remember watching as a child.  Recently I introduced this movie to my children, and we all fell in love. Our favourite scene was:
Colin: Are you making this magic?
Mary: No, you are.
Colin: Just like in the story.
Colin: It's like the whole universe is in here.[Pointing to his chest]
Mary: I'm certain it is.
Colin: That means I could marry you.
Mary: What? But we're cousins!
Colin: I don't care. I want us always to be together.
Mary: We are together.

If you look past the innocent yet incestuous part of the dialogue above, there is a powerful message.  ‘The whole universe is inside us’. I stopped movie at this point and discussed the meaning of those words and my kids got it.  They understood the meaning!

After the movie was over and I was cuddling my twins who were crying because they loved the ending, I asked them “Where is the universe” and all three of them pointed to their chest near their heart and confidentially said “Right here Mummy”.


Thank you Dr Wayne Dyer for inspiring me to bring this movie / book / lesson back into my life, it may have taken me 37 years to ‘get the message’ but I did and more importantly my children know.  

Monday 10 March 2014

Lessons everywhere

I work from home once a week which I am eternally grateful for, it took me a long time to get to the place where I knew that I was worthy of this request.

I have come to love working from home and Tuesday are my favourite days.  The opportunity to work from home allows me to strengthen my relationship with Jordy and his teachers.  I take and pick Jordy up from school and just this year my in-laws have agreed to look after the twins on Tuesdays as well. 

A few Tuesdays ago I picked Jordy up from school and his teacher came out to tell me that he had been acting up in class.  That is wriggling on the floor and not listening.  Jordan even got that upset that he crawled under the table in anger and no amount of coaxing would make Jordan budge.
This is not the first time this situation has occurred and deep down I knew, just knew that I had not healed this situation for myself and that is why it was coming up again.  I knew that this was both our issues but is was more about me rather than Jordan.  So I tried a different tact.

On the way home from school I kept quiet, I was not angry at Jordan I was attempting to be open to my feelings so that I could approach it in a positive manner.  I did tell Jordy that we would be talking about what happened at school that day.  We have recently introduced a “talking rock” which was recommended by my awesome kinesiologist.  It is a Rose quartz and we cleanse it after each use.

We sat on the couch facing each other and I started asking Jordy questions about what happened.  Basically Jordy got up twice to put items away, once in his tub and the other time in his bag.  All the teacher saw was Jordy running here and there.  The teacher asked Jordy to sit on the floor (as punishment) and Jordy did but his friend asked him to come over to talk, so the teacher saw that Jordy had not listened and raised his voice.

Jordy told me he felt that it was unfair that he got into trouble when there were other kids in the class that were mucking around and didn’t get into trouble; this is what made Jordy upset and crawl under the table.

I patiently listened to what he had to say and then it was my turn to hold the “talking rock”.  I started by saying how I completely understood what he said to me and that the reason he wanted to put something in his tub and bag was to ensure that he didn’t forget it.  This is what I do, I do things NOW before I forget, but I live too much in my mind (whole other post on that one).  I then told him how I understood how frustrating it would be to feel as though the teacher was picking on you when your other friends get away with mucking around.

This is where my healing came in because I then asked Jordy to imagine being the Teacher Mr Sebestyen the Grade 2 Teacher.  I then asked him to imagine a classroom of 27 kids and it was the day to give out the spelling words for the week.  Mr Sebestyen is writing the spelling words on the whiteboard and turns around to talk to the class  and there is Thomas running to his tub.  You think nothing of it and go back to the board but the next time you turn around Thomas is running back from his bag.  You ask Thomas to sit on the floor because this is learning time and not running time and running between tables is disruptive to the other students. 

You trust Thomas to listen to you because you know that he is a good kid but the next time you turn around Thomas is talking to his friend and this makes you quiet upset. So you raise your voice to Thomas and you are shocked when you see that Thomas has crawled under a table.

Jordy was very shocked with my story because he now understood what it looked like to be in the teachers shoes.  So I then started asking Jordy some questions, what do you think the teacher would say if you had “asked” to put things in your tub and bag giving him the reason that you didn’t want to forget.  He couldn’t answer. I said that the teacher would either say “no not right now” or” yes Jordan you can do that now”.  But until and unless you ask the teacher cannot read your mind and understand what your intention was.

I worked from home the next day and went to pick Jordy up from school.  The teacher told me that this boy was completely different from the previous day and he was amazed at what I had done.  I told him it was not me but all Jordy.

On the way home Jordy was so excited and happy about his day.  I was saying to him that he had a choice, we could both be like we were yesterday slumped in our chairs, sad and silent; OR we could be so happy that you want to jump up and down from the excitement.  We spoke about the differences in the day and how Jordy participated in the Class room, helped the teacher, answered the questions and how much more fun his day was.  I was so happy for him because it was all him.  He did this change, not me I just provided the different sides to look from.


The best thing my son said to me was “Mummy I want to be happy everyday at school".

Monday 3 March 2014

My Nieces – What did I do?

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

I know my worth, I learnt that last year. So why was I allowing my nieces to treat me like a punching bag.  I was you know, allowing them, I even told Tina in a text message “I am allowing you to treat me like a punching bag, because you are grieving and I know that this is what you need right now”. I gave her permission.

I decided to honour my spirit and take the permission away. I know my worth and you do not treat me like this.  I know what I have done for my nieces in the past. I started justify my past actions as proof of my love for them. But I caught myself, if they know my worth like I do, why would I need to justify myself? It was obvious in that moment that they didn’t know my worth, didn’t respect themselves enough to respect me. 

So I decided to cut the ties and let my nieces go.  Ellie didn’t believe that I loved her and Tina doesn’t forgive me, wants nothing to do with and says I have never been there for her. Your wish is my command.  Mari is no longer in your life. 

I still love them with all my heart, what is different now is that I love and respect myself more! I am empowered and once the decision was made I felt a big shift occurring within me and within my life.

The most important part was that I am NOT debilitated from the act of letting go.

I can’t sit here and say that I am happy that they are not in my life.  Part of me is sad, I didn’t get the chance to celebrate Tina’s 21st Birthday.  Ellie didn’t visit the twins on their 5th Birthday. My nieces have to clean their parents’ house and settle the estate without our support.  They will get engaged, married and have children of their own and I may not be a part of that. 

As I have mentioned before, I am reading lots of books and watching a lot of youtube video’s.  This is what has stuck with me:

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different. Letting go of the past, so that it does not hold you prisoner.

My Nieces – the ugly truth

I don’t know where I should start; this post has been knocking around in my head for a while now.  I have tried to put aside what has happened and let go. Obviously it has not worked, hence the reason for this post and it has been a long time in coming. 

**Edited to say – this is a tough post and will be long. But I need it out, it is time that I let go and I heal from this pain**

My heart breaks for Ellie (aged 23) and Tina (aged 21) in a month they have lost both their parents.  I have no idea what they are going through; I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to lose parents so young.

With the death of my sister, it triggered a huge healing within our lives.  For example, my mother and franks mother have not spoken in at least 10 years.  At Ildiko’s funeral they walked arm in arm to the burial site.  For me personally, I took a long to time to write her Eulogy and felt that there was great healing in those words. 

With the passing of my sister, all the past wrongs, misunderstandings and hard feelings were all buried with her.  They left my life as I stood up in front of a sea of faces and told the world how much I loved my sister and wished her well in heaven.

A month and 2 days after my sister passed, my brother in law also died, surrounded by his daughters and clutching a photo of Ildi.  The morning of Franks death, Ellie had texted me asking to pick her up so that she could spend some time with my Mother and the kids.  By the time I was ready to pick her up Ellie was on her way to the Emergency department for due to a sever panic attack. 

I dropped everything as soon as she told me she was going to hospital.  I literally threw my kids at my mother in law and then proceed to fly to the hospital. I do not remember the drive there because all I kept thinking was that I just needed to get by her side.

At the time I was working closely with the CEO on a high profile Client project and I had deadlines to meet.  But I put work aside to be there for Ellie, I would do it again in a heartbeat, she needed me and I dropped everything, literally everything to be there for her.

After receiving velum and calming down she was discharged.  I stayed with her the whole time and even called Tina to let her know what was happening.  I will never forget seeing Ellie like that and hearing her words, she was shattered and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain.

Ellie and Tina were trying to do the best that they could in a tragic situation. I felt that this was the time that you rely on the support of your family.  They were getting the support but it was only from Franks parents, and my family were being pushed aside.  My mother didn’t help the situation very much because she kept on airing her grievances with me. 

My mother is grieving, Ellie is shattered, Tina is trying to be strong for the first time in her life stepping up to be there for her sister and putting others needs before her own, there here I am being and becoming the punching bag for my family.

After another tearful phone call from my mother saying how Ellie and Tina have never once brought their boyfriends over to her house and how they are continuously over at Franks parents place with the boyfriends. I cracked and sent a text message to both Ellie and Tina, requesting that they show my mother the same respect that they are showing Franks parents. I was tired of taking on my mothers jealousy so I pushed that message to the source, my nieces. 

Was it right that I send a message like that?  I don’t know, and it is too late to say yes or no, because I did send it and there was some truth to that message.  BUT that message was bred from my mothers jealousy and that is never a good thing.

When you know better you do better!

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

That text message was sent the day before Frank’s funeral and honestly in that moment I thought I was doing the right thing.

When you know better you do better!

The message I received from Ellie was one of hurt and of justification.  I attempted to call her to explain but she ignored all my calls.  Hung up on me and eventually turned off her phone. I must have called her 20+ times that day. I was left feeling like crap, my Ellie was not talking to me and tomorrow was her Dad’s funeral.  I didn’t even know if she wanted me there, if she even needed me because she was not answering her phone!

The message I received from Tina were full of malice and were abusive.  She accused me of never being there for her in her life and she was clear in her words that she wanted nothing to do with me.  That I could “fuck off and leave her alone” were her words.  I tried to explain that I had not been in her life since she disrespected me and my family by bringing police into my home.  But that I had always loved her. 

In my messages back to Tina I mentioned that I forgave her for the past and I attempted to fill them with love and kindness, even though her words were like a baseball bat beating me down.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

When she told me that she will never forgive me, I thanked her, because I was thanking her for this lesson. 

When I got to my mother place after work that day as she was looking after my kids, I was filled with anger and pain.  Ellie was ignoring me and Tina was abusing me, all because my mother dumped her shit onto me!  So I let my mother know what she had wrought and she read every single word the girls had texted me.  My brother also read every single word.  

So here I am at my mother’s house with the kids, the day before Frank’s funeral and I am livid and hysterical. Filled with pain and arguing with my father, mother and brother.  I did not want to go to the funeral. There was no way I could go and face these girls that cut me deeply.  I was scared that Tina would see me and kick me out of the funeral home, or her boyfriend would do the same.

I left my parents’ house and they were not even sure I would be attending the funeral the next day.  I was not sure either.  

On the way home Jordy could see that I was very quiet and he asked me what happened and I told him “Mummy is upset because I made a mistake and Ellie will not pick up the phone so that I can say sorry and talk to her”.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  I asked him if we should call her one more time, he said yes and dialled her number, once again no answer.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  “I know Jordy, the problem is that it is Franks funeral tomorrow.  Should we go?”, “No way Mummy, she is rude”.  I was shocked this is coming from a 7 year olds mouth, from my little boy that LOVES Ellie.

With a heavy heart we still went, we knew that we would not be staying for the burial this time, it was going to be a 40 degree day and my heart could just not take it.  I just buried my sister 3 weeks previously.  When we arrived I saw Tina and her boyfriend out the front of the funeral home and I asked my husband if we could stay in the car until she went inside.  I was scared that she would take her anger out on me and throw me out.  So we waited and entered after she was inside. 

As we walked up, I didn’t look at anyone and just kept walking straight ahead until I saw my mother sitting in a pew towards the back of the chapel.  I didn’t think of anything other than getting to my mother and sitting down with my family.  No thought as to why we were not sitting at the front, it never crossed my mind.  I could see Ellie and Tina clearly and they were surrounded by people.  

My husband was adamant that under no circumstances was I to go up to Ellie as he got a whole run down of the previous days events. So instead of going up to her myself, my mother took Lilly to give Ellie a hug and a bunch of flowers.  I sent my daughter to Ellie to let her know that we were there.

That night, I knew that Ellie was flying to Bali with her boyfriend so I sent a text message hoping that she would find some time to heal on her trip.  She was hurt that I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

In the weeks after the funeral, both girls have sent nasty, mean and abusive messages to me.  From Tina she is saying that I disrespected her father by not sitting in the front pew at the funeral.  From Ellie it is that she does not believe that I love her because I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

I was left with a hard decision and life lesson to acknowledge!

What did I do?...stay tuned to the next post.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different